A couple who bought sperm from a donor and successfully conceived is now struggling, as the husband regrets using a donor and claims he cannot bond with the little boy anymore.
KEY TAKEAWAYS:
- A couple unable to become pregnant purchased donor sperm and successfully conceived a little boy.
- By the time the child became a toddler, the father admitted he hates the boy and wishes they’d never had him.
- Using donor material to conceive children can cause difficulties, both emotionally and ethically.
THE DETAILS:
The Mirror reports the story of a couple who bought sperm from a “donor” to use when they were unable to become pregnant. They successfully conceived, though it is unclear whether the couple used insemination or IVF.
The woman turned to Reddit users for advice on the very personal situation. Her post, “Am I being unreasonable to think DH (dear husband) resents our DS (dear son)?” noted that she and her husband had been dealing with infertility for years. Eventually, they agreed upon getting a sperm donor — an option that has been gaining popularity over the years.
The woman explained that after the baby boy was born, her husband seemed to be a devoted father, but everything suddenly changed. “DH was brilliant when DS was a baby — nappies, feeds, up in the night, proper hands on,” she said. “But since DS turned into a proper toddler, he’s just pulled right back. DS wants cuddles, climbs on him, wants to play, and DH just moves him or tells him to go to me. He barely interacts now unless I push it.”
After discussing her concerns with her husband, she said they had a big argument:
He ended up shouting that he hates DS and that going with a donor was a mistake. Then he stormed out and slept on the sofa. This morning he just got up and went straight to work without a word.
I feel sick. We agreed on this together. I know it’s complicated and I know he’s struggling, but DS didn’t ask for any of this. He’s just a little boy who wants his dad.
I’m heartbroken and angry and don’t even know what to do. I feel like I’ve got to protect DS from his own dad.
COMMENTARY:
Though the wife said, “We agreed on this together,” this statement calls into question the pressure the parent who is the “cause” of the infertility feels to help their spouse have a biological child that they are unable to provide. Feeling guilty and worthless, the infertile spouse may agree to use donor sperm or eggs even if they have doubts.
The wife noted that it “wasn’t an easy decision” to use donor sperm, but it likely caused her husband more emotional turmoil than it caused her.
According to Men’s Health, using a sperm donor can be “emasculating and confidence-sapping” for men and can cause feelings of “grief” and “loss.” One man said that learning his body does not create sperm made him feel “worthless.”
It can be difficult for some parents to bond with children who are created using donor technology. One man, who found out he was conceived using a donor egg, explained:
Years and years later I still wonder and ponder, ‘who is my REAL Mother’… My current Mother [never] even really cared to grow a bond with me… It makes sense why now.
There is a massive disconnection due to IVF…
I WILL give my children what I never had growing up and still am suffering with [sic]. Hurt. Wounds. Depression. Anxiety. And the ‘unknown’ of my identity.
This is one of the major ethical concerns surrounding the use of “donor sperm.”
There are other concerns as well:
… that children are growing up not knowing how many biological siblings they have or where they live.
… that the intended parents often struggle to bond with the child.
… that the child grows up to learn about the lies surrounding their conception and goes through an identity crisis as a result.
THE BOTTOM LINE:
Donor technology may seem like a solution for infertility, but it can cause countless other problems to emerge. Open adoption, however, is one option that offers the ability to create a family without the ethical concerns that plague IVF and donor conception.
