Katie's own abortion trauma opened her eyes: 'Women in church pews need healing'

Katie Beck was a financially independent career woman in her early 30s when she discovered she was pregnant. But she was in an unhealthy and unstable relationship, so she had reservations about having a child with her boyfriend. 

Beck told Live Action News, “When I got pregnant, I just thought it wasn’t the right situation in which to bring a child.”

'Selfish' decision leads to abortion

When Beck told her boyfriend about the pregnancy, he showed no enthusiasm but didn’t tell her to get an abortion. Still, Beck felt it would be best, given that she had a career and didn’t want to parent a child with him.

“There were selfish reasons behind my decision to end my pregnancy,” Beck said. “I told my boyfriend I had decided to have an abortion and he agreed.”

She went to Planned Parenthood without talking to anyone regarding her decision other than her boyfriend, who drove her to the clinic but did not go inside with her. “I was five weeks along and had a surgical abortion. I remember the awful vacuum sound of the suction," she said. ;Immediately afterward, I felt relief but then the guilt and shame set in.”

As she was sitting in one of the cheap, plastic chairs in the “recovery room,” a man approached her and whispered that he’d seen her file and knew about the company where she worked. He told her not to tell anyone at work about the abortion.

“The company where I worked was conservative,” Beck said. “Apparently, that was a red flag to this guy. He told me, ‘They’re not your friends, we’re your friends.’ I didn’t know who he was or how he got ahold of my private information.”

Healing from abortion trauma

The romance with her boyfriend had ended and Beck felt she could cope on her own.

For a long time, she didn't tell anyone about her abortion. She was involved in athletics and participated in competitions, so she felt certain she’d move beyond the experience easily. Yet, right after the abortion, she began to drink at night.

“I’d have a little wine at night, just something to numb my pain,” Beck said.

About 10 years later, she met a man who would become her husband. He was a Christian... and a pro-life advocate. 

Beck said, “I needed to tell him what I had done. But he chose to stay with me regardless. I was 40 years old when we got married. We had a son together. I thought I had done a good job of burying the past.”

Yet she did get counseling for the depression and anxiety that gripped her. She only brought up the abortion once at an appointment. “The counselor told me I had made the best decision at the time,” Beck said. “Nothing else was ever said.”

Beck's dark secret weighed heavily on her, binding her with chains of guilt and shame. “I had stuffed so much down, never coming face-to-face with what I had done,” she said.

But after her son was born, Beck realized how much help she needed. 

“The struggle of new motherhood was the catalyst that put me on the road to healing,” Beck said. “When my infant son would cry, I would imagine a crying baby in heaven. I thought of my child looking down and thinking, ‘Why did you choose him and not me?’ I felt as if I wasn’t a good mother.”

One day, she was scrolling through Instagram when she found an organization called “She Found His Grace,” and clicked on the group's profile. 

“I went to the website and filled out my information and enrolled in their online Bible study which went for 24 weeks," Beck said. "It made such a difference for me to realize I wasn’t alone. I thought there weren’t many women who had abortions, but I found out differently.”

She found it cathartic to walk through the healing journey alongside those who were grieving, too. As a result, she became a much calmer parent for her son.

“At the same time, I found my voice,” Beck said. “I had been silent for far too long. I felt a calling to talk to other women to prevent them from going through the agony I had experienced. I never wanted another woman to suffer like I had.”

A new mission in church outreach

Over the last two years, Beck and two other women formed a coalition to reach out to local churches to talk to women’s groups about abortion and to help guide them toward healing.

“A lot of churches aren’t talking about abortion," Beck said. "There are so many women who are sitting in church pews that need healing. There are programs for alcohol and drug abuse or extramarital affairs — and all these could be tied to abortion — but none for those who have experienced abortion.”

She’s made some headway — she spoke at a women’s forum at a local church; 60 women attended. One woman told her she was thankful that Beck was speaking about abortion because her mother had chosen abortion and she’d had an estranged relationship with her.

“She told me I had helped her better understand her mother’s situation,” Beck said.

Beck hopes more churches will be open to talking about abortion and to commit to helping women heal.

“Women experiencing unplanned pregnancies may be scared to tell anyone,” Beck said. “It’s really helpful if churches were initiating the conversation and offering a safe place for these women to discuss options.”