Former comedian regrets aborting her baby for a career that never materialized

Four years after having an abortion to focus on her career, once-aspiring comedian Emma Estrada has stopped performing and wonders what life could have been like with her child and her child's father.

Key Takeaways:

• Estrada was five weeks pregnant when she had an abortion because she had her "career to focus on" and believed a baby "wasn't in our cards."

• At first, she seemed unbothered by the abortion, but as time went on and her relationship with the baby's father ended, she began imagining a different life — one with him and their child.

• Estrada's story is one that is often untold or unacknowledged. It goes against the feminist mantra that women need abortion to advance their careers. It contrasts with the stories of famous actresses who credit abortion with their career success.

• Estrada said she "mourns" the motherhood she walked away from.

The Details:

In an essay For the Los Angeles Times, Emma Estrada shared her personal story, to which countless women can likely relate.

When she experienced an unplanned pregnancy, she told her boyfriend, Gabe, about it along with her planned abortion — immediately after he told her his sister had just welcomed her first baby.

Though normally a quiet guy, she said, Gabe became more reserved than usual. "He felt personally responsible for the situation," she wrote, "but I couldn't blame him. I was there too. Did I consider that I come from a long line of fertile women or that this was how babies were made? No, I wasn't exactly thinking."

Gabe was a musician, a painter, and a substitute teacher, and Estrada was working as a stand-up comedian, but referred to herself as "underemployed." She wrote, "A baby wasn't in our cards. Besides, I had my career to focus on."

She scheduled an abortion for two weeks later at a Planned Parenthood, where she claimed she sat through "the first two 'Twilight' movies on the small overhead TV" before she was seen. As she waited, she put on lipstick and took selfies.

Staff told her that "the baby was 5 weeks old" and "to expect chunks."

1st Trimester Abortion | The Abortion Pill | What Is Abortion?

It's unclear whether she was five weeks post-fertilization (which would be seven weeks gestation) or five weeks gestation (which would be three weeks post-fertilization, meaning she would have learned she was pregnant at just one week after fertilization).

Either way, by five weeks gestation or five weeks post-fertilization, her baby would have had a beating heart that was pumping blood to support the development of the rest of the body. The heart first begins to beat about 22 days after fertilization.

The Beating Heart in Slow Motion: 4 1/2 Weeks Pregnant

Later that week, Estrada went back to business as usual. She filmed a comedy sketch, and then a month later, she hosted a comedy show. It was 2022.

She wrote, "Roe vs. Wade was potentially going to be reversed, and Texas outlawed abortions." During one of her shows, she joked, "I’m really glad I got my abortion in California because if I were in Texas, I couldn’t drive out of state. I have a 1999 Toyota Camry — it just couldn’t handle it.”

And that, she said, is how Gabe's brothers learned about the abortion. The joke was posted online and got nearly 3,000 TikTok views. The word was out, and soon, her relationship with Gabe was over.

But then, a few months later, she and Gabe slept together again, and she asked him, "Do you ever think about the fact that we almost had a kid?"

He replied immediately, "All the time."

It seems as if that was when regret began to show itself for Estrada. She wrote:

“All the time” played like a mantra in my head for days. It rang out to me in my sleep, in my waking life. I wanted to replay my 20s, to rewind, to fast-forward, to choose differently. I would try to see myself with a child.

They’d be 4 years old now. Gabe would be there. We’d be living together in North Carolina where he’s from. We’d be happy. I’d be writing. He’d be painting. We’d have big windows and a backyard.

Gabe did move back to North Carolina, and Estrada stopped performing comedy. Her words are heartbreaking:

When I think of forgoing a baby for a comedy career, I think: What career? I work as a copywriter. No awards to my name. Nobody recognizes me. I never made it to 100,000 followers.

At the time of writing this, I have 3,390 followers on Instagram. Just 96,610 to go.

She said she thinks about Gabe often and their "potential kid, the aborted future." She wonders "if he mourns it too. He must."

It's unclear if Gabe made any attempt to prevent the abortion, but if he wanted to and didn't, he likely has regrets as well. Men have been told they can't speak out against abortion and that, even when it comes to their own preborn children, they have no say.

But there is more to the story, as there usually is.

On Instagram, followers congratulated her on the publication of her story, and Estrada noted that a longer version exists. One friend seemed to sense Estrada's interior grief and her longing for a different choice, writing, "The things we walk with."

And that's just it: how many women walk through each day with the pain of abortion?

It's impossible to know, because their stories are largely kept silent or are silenced or diminished by the media.

Zoom Out:

Everyone has choices they regret in life, and they sometimes catch themselves wondering how life would have turned out if they had chosen a different path. But very few are willing to share stories like Estrada's, in which a woman has an abortion for her career and later finds herself thinking, "I wonder if I got it wrong."

Women have been done a great disservice for the last 50 years. They have been sold feminism as a package deal that must include casual sex and abortion. They have been told abortion is an often-required step to completing their education and launching their careers. They believe a baby can come along and steal their dreams. They have come to believe the lie that they are incapable of being successful as both mothers and women with careers.

Yes, having a baby to raise forces a mother — and a father — to reevaluate their lives and to be more mindful in their careers. But with the right support, women don't have to watch their dreams get derailed because of parenthood. Mothers are capable of success; the path to get there may look different, and that's okay. Fathers should be there to help.

Instead, women have been left to feel that they are alone, and even though it doesn't sound like Estrada would have been, it isn't hard to imagine why she would have thought abortion was the best option. It's what women have been told for decades, and what women have been telling other women.

"Abortion for my career" stories have made headlines for years — always featuring the "happy ending" of a successful career. For example:

• Fellow comedian and Saturday Night Live cast member Cecily Strong appeared in a skit in 2021 in which she said, "I know I wouldn’t be ... on TV here today if it weren’t for the abortion I had the day before my 23rd birthday." 

• Dawson's Creek buddies Michelle Williams and Busy Philipps have credited abortion for their careers.

• Stevie Nicks said "there would have been no Fleetwood Mac" without her abortion.

They make these comments without any knowledge of the successes they might have achieved if they hadn’t chosen abortion. They speak with a confidence that suggests abortion is a catalyst for success.

But not every woman has gotten the promised career that was supposed to follow her abortion.

Women have shared their stories of dropping out of school after an abortion and turning to drugs or attempting suicide. The media doesn't seem eager to share those stories, which is what makes the LA Times' choice to share Estrada's story so important... and unexpected.

Abortion Providers Meet Women Who Regret Their Abortion | Face to Face

The Bottom Line:

Emma Estrada bravely tells the other side, in which an abortion didn't lead to the dream job, didn't save a relationship, didn't lead to a PhD — and this is likely the more common experience, because why would it? Why would ending an innocent life be the impetus that launches a woman's career, saves a relationship, or furthers an education?

An abortion isn't a moment that leaves women more powerful and free. It's a tragedy and a loss that women carry with them for the rest of their lives, often calling them back to the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens — whether they realize it right away or not.