On January 14, 2017, Chrystal Docker took to Facebook Live to share a story that is very personal to her, a story she knew she had to tell. The mother of five had always known she wanted to have children, but when she married a man who did not want to be a father, it caused her to make some drastic life decisions that she never saw coming.
After hearing Gianna Jessen‘s story of abortion survival on a Christian radio station, Docker decided it was time to share her own abortion story. She hopes her story will inspire other women to share theirs, and that women considering abortion will choose life.
Married at a young age, Docker admits that she always wanted children but her husband did not. The marriage fell apart, and Docker left to move across the country. It was shortly after arriving at her new home and new life that she discovered she was pregnant.
“Now I had mixed emotions at this point,” she said in her video. “I’ve always wanted kids, but I was coming out of a marriage. I had just left my husband. At this point he was on the East Coast, I was on the West Coast. He was in a good job with money. I had no money and was living off the little bit I had in my savings. I was scared out of my mind.”
Unsure of what to do, Docker called her father who told her that she should have an abortion. Having always considered herself to be pro-choice, she thought about her options. Afraid that she wouldn’t get custody of her child because her ex-husband was in a better financial situation, she considered adoption. But she was afraid once the time came, she wouldn’t be able to say goodbye to her child. She decided that she didn’t have a choice, she had to have an abortion.
“I felt cornered and that I had no options,” she explained.
Having almost become a victim of abortion herself, Docker is grateful that her mother chose life for her, even after doctors advised her to abort. Docker’s mother had been taking medication for a kidney problem, and after discovering she was pregnant, was told that her baby would be severely mentally challenged. But her mother chose life.
“I’m healthy and very happy my mom chose life for me,” she told Live Action News.
Still, Docker was unsure she could make that same choice for her own child. A friend accompanied her to Planned Parenthood. Outside was a Christian woman with a poster against abortion, and upon seeing her, Docker said she knew that having an abortion was wrong. She walked through the clinic doors anyway. She recalls the staff as being unkind and cold. They simply asked for her money and told her to wait for her turn.
“I sat there, I think, trying to convince myself to get up and walk out, but fear paralyzed me,” she explained.
Staff performed an ultrasound, but having never been pregnant before, Docker was unsure of what she saw on the screen. She was told her baby was “just a ball of cells.” Now she says, having had one miscarriage and given birth five times, she knows what was really on the screen: her baby.
The clinic staff told her to come back in two weeks. During those two weeks, she contacted her ex-husband to tell him about the pregnancy. He told her to “get rid of it.” That statement, she said, “catapulted” her back to the abortion clinic even though she didn’t want to go. She told her baby she didn’t want to have the abortion and that she was sorry.
At her next clinic visit, she met a woman who was having her 5th or 6th abortion. Again, Docker wanted to get up and leave, but she stayed because she felt she had no choice.
“God was telling me in my heart instinctively that this was wrong yet I was being stubborn because I was scared. I didn’t know what else to do, so I stayed out of fear,” she said.
Feeling like she was in a slaughterhouse, Docker again told her baby she was sorry and asked for forgiveness as she was prepped for the abortion.
When she woke up in the recovery room and realized the abortion was over, she felt extreme sadness and regret.
“I had just killed the baby that I had always wanted,” she said through tears.
She was sent home with a simple care sheet to call the doctor if she experienced bleeding. There was no follow-up call, and no inquiries into how she was doing emotionally.
“Thank you for your money, goodbye,” Docker said of how Planned Parenthood treated her. “[…] What people don’t understand, this is not just a medical procedure. You’re not going in and getting a toenail cut off. You’re not going in and getting your ears, nose, and throat checked. You’re killing a life within your body. And while the physical part of it may be really easy [if] you’re asleep during the procedure, your heart knows what going on. So many women silently suffer this because it’s taboo to talk about.”
Today, Docker believes that going through that abortion has allowed her to be available to other women who are also suffering the effects of abortion. She is also able to speak from experience about the dark side of Planned Parenthood.
“When people tell me ‘oh Planned Parenthood saves lives’ – No! They don’t. They take your money. They snuff out two lives because they kill your baby and then they wound you for a long time. It was years that I held this in my heart, silently punishing myself. When Kevin and I had the miscarriage, I went through a phase where I felt that was God punishing me,”
Docker eventually spoke to someone about the pain and regret she was living with and she worked on forgiving herself. One of the experiences that helped her heal was when her mother came to her in a dream with a little blonde boy. No words were spoken, but she felt that God was sending her a message that her baby was in Heaven. She named her son Noah. She named her miscarried baby Christian.
Docker wants everyone to start talking about post-abortion syndrome and to start letting women know about the real options and pro-life groups that exist to help women. From counseling to parenting classes to living arrangements and help continuing their education, there are better choices than abortion for women facing unplanned pregnancies. Docker knows it might not always be easy to raise a child when you don’t feel ready, or to place your child for adoption, but she is sure it will be worth it.
For women who have chosen abortion, Docker wants them to know that forgiveness is there if they ask for it, and that if they need someone to talk to, she is always available to them.
Docker told Live Action News:
I would say to the lady sitting in the abortion office, it’s ok to be scared. I was.
Maybe it’s not that you don’t want your baby, maybe it’s that someone is pushing you into a decision you don’t want to make. Maybe it’s because you’re not sure how you could do it on your own. Maybe you know you want this baby to have a good life but you just don’t think you could provide that… There are options, and abortion doesn’t have to be one of those. […]
There are people who care about your physical health, emotional well being, and the life of your baby, who are willing and able to help you with giving your baby the chance at life he or she deserves. Take the first step. Get up and walk out of that abortion clinic. Find a pregnancy center and know that you can do this! I’m not promising that it will be easy, but it will definitely be worth it!
Editor’s Note: If you are looking for practical, emotional, and physical help during pregnancy, there are many supportive groups and pregnancy centers that are willing to help you or connect you with a group in your area. They include: Stand Up Girl, Embrace Grace, Teen Mother Choices International, and helplines (phone, text, online chat, and email) such as Pregnancy Line, Option Line, Life Call, and Pregnancy Decisions Line.
If you have started the abortion pill regimen and want to reverse your abortion, please see Abortion Pill Reversal or call their 24-hour, nurse-staffed hotline at 1-877-558-0333 for help. You can see real photos and videos of fetal development online, and also find out more about the factual details of abortion procedures. Resources are listed here if you are being pressured or coerced into an abortion.