I healed from my abortion, but never considered my baby’s father’s pain… until now

Disclaimer: Opinions expressed in this guest post are solely those of the guest author.

It has been over 50 years since my abortion. I am convinced that trauma and evil so deep as abortion are not totally healed until we, by His grace, step into heaven. As someone who has been on this journey for decades, I can say there are ebbs and flows of healing. There are moments when you feel you have “arrived” and all is well, only to find Christ wants at some point to bring you deeper into the wound — to heal that part of yourself that you are unaware of, who reacts in the present because of the trauma of the past. 

It is all good, and although it may be painful still, there is trust and peace as you grow in His love and surrender to His will truly knowing His forgiveness and mercy. Very recently, I came upon one of those times.

A coerced saline abortion

My abortion happened when I was a teenager. I became pregnant and was kicked out of the house with no job, no money, no place to go — cut off from all I knew and loved. I was in my fourth month of pregnancy and although I did not want to abort, I caved in to the pressure and coercion of my father to take the life of my son.

Being in my second trimester, I underwent a saline abortion. I did not know about the development of my baby or anything that was going to happen. I remember the doctor coming in and injecting me with saline. Hours later I went into labor and gave birth to a dead baby boy who I can still see, to this day, lying on the bed next to me.

What about the father?

I remember years later, after healing, giving my testimony at a Divine Mercy Conference that my sister and her husband attended. When it was over my sister said to me, “Your talk was great, but what about Joe [the father of my baby]? You mention everyone else and healing, but you do not say anything about what happened to him.”

I had not spoken to Joe since that time years ago, and I honestly did not want to. Somehow, I had taken him out of the picture as if he had nothing to do with it all. I was too busy dealing with the trauma of my own experience and just did not think of him or the impact it may have had on him.

I always mentioned in my testimony that he had never asked me to abort. In fact, at first, we had spoken about marriage, but under the pressure of being kicked out and having no place to live and the coercion of my father to abort, I was unable to manage it all.

We began arguing and I remember telling Joe to please leave me alone. Being young and a kid himself — he did. And that was the end of it.

After the experience with my sister at the conference I prayed about what she had said. Not long after, a notice came out about our high school reunion and whose name was on the top of the list? Joe’s. I felt this was a clear sign that I was supposed to reach out to him — and I did.

I told him what happened. He apologized and shared that he had become addicted to drugs but was now over 20 years straight.

I shared with him how through my own healing experience I co-developed the Entering Canaan ministry – and how our son was a catalyst that has brought thousands to healing across the country. We ended the conversation cordially and that was that.

That is, until the recent death of Sly Stone. Joe is a musician, and at the time I became pregnant he was in a band that did covers of Sly and the Family Stone. When I read about Sly dying, I could not help but think of Joe. 

Then, I came across Live Action’s Face to Face video about men whose children were aborted against their will, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes, I was young; yes, I was coerced — but yes, I had an abortion without taking Joe into account. I was suddenly filled with remorse.

Stolen Fatherhood: Men Share The Pain Of Abortion With Post-Abortive Women

The wide net of abortion’s devastation

In retrospect, I honestly don’t think I could have looked at all of this at the level I am doing now at a different time, to apologize for aborting our son. The entire thing was so horrific.

I needed to work through my own trauma of giving birth to my dead child, seeing him lying next to me, being in disbelief that this was even possible. There was a lot of self-hate to work through for being angry that I had caved to the pressures.

I needed to be confirmed in the love of God before I could face the fact that I was so absorbed in my own pain of abandonment by my family and then the abortion, that I did not have any consideration for Joe. 

The devastation and collateral damage of abortion casts a wide net. After 30 years of ministry I see its impact every day on those we serve. But as it says in the Gospel of Life #99, “nothing is definitively lost,” and “with sure hope” we can know our children are “living in the Lord.”

Through prayer and the prompting of Mary, who always leads us to her Son, Jesus Christ, I plan to reach out to Joe to apologize for aborting our son, to pray he already has or will develop a spiritual relationship with Him like the one I have — a relationship that will cumulate in heaven, where we will gaze upon the face of God.

And finally, healing will be complete.