‘Why was I allowed to live?’ The many facets of grieving an aborted sibling

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this guest post are solely those of the guest author. 

Sadly, with an estimated 63 million abortions in our country, many are suffering the loss of a sibling through abortion — sometimes multiple losses.

Maybe the mom had an abortion in her youth, and perhaps the dad as well, or maybe together they made the decision to end the pregnancy. No matter what the circumstances, this loss brings up a barrage of feelings for the surviving child whether they were born before or after the abortion. 

Why was I allowed to live? Would my name be the same if those other children were not aborted? Was I wanted?

It is also not unusual for a sibling to attempt to protect the mom who has aborted a child, sometimes guarding the secret from the dad who does not know about his wife’s prior abortion. Other times, they hold in questions they may have for fear of causing more pain to the parents they love. 

“M.R.”, a sibling from our ministry, shared with others who have experienced the loss of a sibling to abortion:

As a sibling of a child who was aborted, how many of the thoughts common to a pregnant woman do you recognize as your own in the italicized statements:

• • • “No one will help me; I will be alone in raising this baby” (I am and will always be alone in my struggles)

    • “I have to get this abortion done secretly because no one must know about the pregnancy” (I must hide my struggles; no one will care or understand)

    • “My baby’s father doesn’t care enough to take care of me” (The most important person in my life won’t care about me)

    • “My baby’s father doesn’t care about our baby” (I can’t entrust the person closest to me with important things)

    • “We need to abort because the baby has Down’s Syndrome” (You must be perfect to deserve being alive, otherwise you’re better off dead)

    • “The happenings in the world are too crazy to have a child right now” (The world is fundamentally dangerous and will eliminate the weak and vulnerable, so I must be strong.)

    • “It’s not a great time to have a baby for us right now; we’ll wait until we can accept a baby with open arms” (You must be wanted by someone to deserve to be alive; otherwise, you’re better off dead)

    • “I was just going to start a new job” (You must not take risks for people; they will ruin your life and security)

    • “I don’t want to have a child with someone who doesn’t love me” (If someone doesn’t love me or support me, I will hurt myself and others to get even with them)

    • “The father of my baby is abusive, so I can’t have his child” (I must control what is not in my authority to prevent being hurt)

    • “I didn’t want to get an abortion, but my boyfriend told me I had to or else he’d break up with me” (I must go against my own instincts to appease the ones I love or else I’ll be abandoned)

    • “If I have a baby out of wedlock, my family will be so ashamed” (The regard of others close to me is more important than my own principles or self-respect)

How many of you siblings of aborted children identify with the italicized statements? Have you perhaps always had these beliefs, and not known why? Perhaps your parents were loving, and you are a capable, talented adult. Or perhaps you were a child with promise but were never able to translate that potential into adulthood. Deep down, have you always felt an irrational, fundamental fear of the world and a doomed sense of its lack of love that you could not explain?

As a sibling of an aborted child, I know I identified with every single one of those statements. I grew up with a heaviness, a burden that people could actually see, a sadness that everyone picked up on and drew away from. It wasn’t until my mid-thirties that my mother told us about her abortion and going on an Entering Canaan Sibling’s Retreat where I met others with such unexplained sadness, that I started putting the puzzle together, and the healing started to unfold. One of the facets of that healing is untangling yourself from the unhealthy facets of your mother’s emotional paradigm—one which you unwittingly took on in order to attach with your primary caregiver.

I hope it goes without saying that this is not an excuse to blame or demonize mothers; rather, it is an opportunity to differentiate yourself from your mother’s emotions. Her natural responses and emotions come from a specific set of experiences that you (hopefully) have not had to experience; only she is capable of dealing with. Children do NOT have a mystical assignment to bear their parents’ miseries. 

Even if you have yourself had an abortion, the willingness to heal and develop self-awareness, as well as the fact that you are individuals living completely different lives, also makes your experience and emotional field distinct from your mother’s.

Your world doesn’t have to be defined by the beliefs that your wounded, post-abortive mother adopted in order to survive any difficult experiences or circumstances that she had. By leaning into your baptism and with the help of the Holy Spirit, your thoughts and beliefs can align more with the fundamental security you deserve as an adopted child of God!

The impact of abortion on siblings is just beginning to reach the mainstream pro-life movement as they learn their feelings are not unusual and countless others are experiencing the same questions and emotions. 

For the past 12 years we have been holding Entering Canaan healing retreats for siblings of aborted babies. These retreats address issues specific to siblings and provide a safe environment to express the many dynamics they are experiencing while providing conferences, spiritual direction, the sacraments, and community. There is no cost for the retreat and if needed we will assist with travel costs.

We are a country of the walking wounded who oftentimes are trying to make sense of their lives without the support they need to understand the implications of being a surviving sibling. As we forge forward in working for an end to all abortion, may we compassionately reach out to those whose lives have been impacted by this loss to help them receive the healing that is waiting for them in Christ.

Bio: Theresa Bonopartis is the director of Lumina/Hope & Healing after Abortion and co-developer of Entering Canaan: A sacramental Journey to an Inheritance of Mercy.

The DOJ put a pro-life grandmother in jail this Christmas for protesting the killing of preborn children. Please take 30-seconds to TELL CONGRESS: STOP THE DOJ FROM TARGETING PRO-LIFE AMERICANS.