I had an abortion 45 years ago. Even though I know I’m forgiven, I still struggle.

Note: The opinions expressed in this guest submission are solely the opinions of the author and are not necessarily reflective of the views of Live Action or of Live Action News.

I am now an old woman. I never, ever expected that an abortion in 1975 would transform the very essence of my older years.

When I was in my twenties, my first husband and I joined a radical cult. This cult controlled every aspect of our lives. My son, age four, was seriously affected by their ideology. It affects him to this day.

When I became pregnant with our second child, my husband (he is now deceased and I am re-married), supported the birth of this child. But the cult held lengthy ego-stripping sessions with him.

One night he came home with the local cult leader and his wife. They kept me in a room for hours, battering me verbally: “How can you even think of selfishly having another child when the world is faced with war, hunger, tyranny and annihilation?” At that time I was one of their top fund raisers. The session they held with me wore me down and stripped me of any sense of self. It also included some sexually abusive references and threats. One of the threats was to declare me an unfit mother and give my husband full custody of my son unless I submitted to an abortion.

READ: Research shows post-abortion trauma is very real, and women aren’t alone

For days they assigned a female cult member to stay with me to prevent me from fleeing. On the day of the appointment, my husband drove me to the abortion center. It was very matter of fact. There was no out for me. I had no will. I had no self. I was brainwashed.

For decades I buried the truth. I only revealed it to people whom I knew were pro-abortion. “You are better off,” they said. “He was no good…. What would you have done with two children?… It was the best decision.”

When I received a strong spiritual awaking in 2015, I came back to God. My now husband and I returned to the sacraments of the Catholic Church. I attended Surrendering the Secret, an eight-week post-abortion healing ministry. I asked for the forgiveness of my merciful God. I knew that I had murdered my daughter. I put myself at the foot of the cross of our Lord.

Even though in truth, I felt that I had no control over that event in 1975, I submitted myself to God’s will, and declared my plea to ask for healing. I began volunteering at our local pregnancy center and praying in front of the abortion center. I humbled myself before Almighty God and acknowledged my sin.

I have a long way to go. I am 72 years old. Though I know I am fully forgiven by God, I continue to struggle with self forgiveness. Abortion — which takes 10 minutes (I was 10 weeks pregnant) — stays with you for a lifetime.

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