At 41, I had two children and a dream job. I never thought I would have an abortion.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are solely those of the author.

Me… I would never have an abortion. Never-ever. I grew up in a home of strong conservative values and a family that surrounded itself around the children in the family. My parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins — we all surrounded ourselves around the children in our family. I was the recipient of that kind of love and support as a child and young adult and so were my two boys.

My children were the most important thing in my life. I also knew that children are not always so easy to have. It took surgery and two years for me to become pregnant with my oldest son and then four years later before I was blessed with another son. My heart was full. I was 28 years old and had two healthy, happy boys. This mom was living the great life thanks to a wonderful and loving God.

Fast forward 13 years. I was remarried, my boys were 14 and 8 and I just started my dream job. I was also 41. My husband and I were responsible adults and took every precaution to avoid a pregnancy. However, in November of 2015 my period was late.  Chalking it up to hormones and age I let it go for about two weeks and then thought I would take a pregnancy test just to be safe.  To my shock I had two pink lines… pregnant… Pregnant… PREGNANT….

I called my husband, and he was just as shocked as I was. That evening we talked about what we would do. Both of us were uncertain and we did not seek the Lord. We focused on what was easy. “Easy” would mean my children would not be upset they had a new sibling; our lives would continue. We decided to end the pregnancy. 

I contacted an abortion clinic in a local city and made an appointment. In the state where I live, you must wait 24 hours before having a procedure. The first day they explained what would happen during the abortion and the next day I would have it done.

Abortion Procedures: 1st, 2nd, and 3rd Trimesters

I have blocked out many of the memories of the horrible and life changing event, but I remember walking in and protesters yelling at me. I remember the waiting area was dirty and dark. I remember nobody talking to me and feeling so alone. I remember walking back to the room and undressing. I remember getting up on the small, hard, and cold bed. Nobody made eye contact as I laid there and wept. The doctor walked in, sat down, and asked my name. I confirmed and he said one sentence I will not forget: “This will take a few minutes and it will be over.”

READ: Post-abortion ministry founder: Women and men who regret abortion can be ‘the strongest voice’ to end it

At that point I had a sort of out of body experience. It was like I was not in charge of my own body. My mind screamed to stop, but my mouth would not say the words. As soon as he inserted the device and turned it on, I began sobbing. At no point did anyone say, “Do you want to continue?” At no point did anyone had me a tissue or provide any type of comfort or support. 

Within five minutes it was over. The doctor stood up, took his gloves off, and told me I would have cramping and maybe bleeding.  He encouraged me to rest for a day or so and walked out of the room. A nurse gave me water and a cracker and said once I “kept that down” I could leave. I inhaled both because I couldn’t breathe and needed to leave as quickly as possible. 

I dressed and walked out to the waiting room, checked out, and walked to the car where my husband was waiting. We didn’t speak the entire way home.

I quietly sobbed and did not stop sobbing for days, months, years. I still sob on a regular basis for the loss of my sweet child. I continue to grieve the loss on a daily basis, but I have regained my relationship with God, and he has led me to share my story and witness to others in that are currently in the situation I was placed not so long ago.    

Abortion can affect anyone. Age and socio-economic status does not matter. Wealthy or poor, abortion impacts all women, men, and families. I feel compelled to share my story because we don’t often hear of middle-aged, married, educated healthcare system vice presidents and RNs having abortions. I can bear witness that this does happen, and is probably more common than we know. 

If I can share my story with others in my situation maybe it will change a mind and save a precious baby. I live with the guilt and grief of my decision every day and I would not wish that on my greatest enemy. 

Editor’s Note: If you are pregnant and need life-affirming help, of if you need post-abortion resources, please click here. 

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