Sisters learn they were donor conceived: 'I felt like I didn't know who I was'

Three women, including two who were raised together, discovered they are sisters by the same sperm donor. Now they are speaking out about how the news made them question their identities.

Key Takeaways:

• Natasha, Gemma, and Helen all grew up unaware that they were donor-conceived.

• After taking at-home DNA tests, they learned their respective dads were not their biological fathers. They all share the same biological father.

• They met in their 30s, and are glad to have found each other, despite feeling that they missed a great deal of time together.

The Details:

Gemma and Helen Hicks grew up together, believing the man who raised them was their biological father. It wasn't until their late 20s that they learned they were donor-conceived. "Back then sperm donation was a Wild West and many parents were told to raise the child as their own, they were conditioned to not say," Gemma told the BBC.

Because records were so limited, they initially weren't sure they were biologically related to each other. A DNA test revealed that they had been conceived using the same sperm donor and that they had other siblings. While they love the siblings they found, they didn't escape the confusion that comes with learning they were donor-conceived.

"I physically felt different, I felt like I didn't know who I was, and I began to question every tiny thing that I did, wondering if it was down to my genetics," Gemma said.

Helen had a different experience; it was as though she always knew she was different from her family and the news of her conception made her understand why. "I had a really weird overwhelming sense of calm wash over me, I look back at certain points in my life and suddenly things made a lot of sense to me," she said.

They've been able to connect with two sisters, one of whom is Natasha Goldstein-Opasiak. Like her sisters, Natasha didn't know she was donor-conceived until her 20s, and didn't take a DNA test until she was 31.

"Never in a million years did I think I'd find siblings," she said. "You get an email notification saying you've got relatives, essentially. It's literally like Tinder, it says you've matched - here are your half sisters."

The three sisters arranged to meet and felt an instant connection. "We always say that we were drawn together like magnets," Gemma said. "I think within a minute of sitting down at the table with Nat, we realised we talk the same way, we've got the same views on things it's quite weird, but magical."

They also realized they had a lot in common, which was bittersweet.

"It's so sad that we were denied access to each other growing up, we could have hung out and shared birthday parties - it's so sad to think so much has been missed," Gemma said, adding, "I didn't really grow up in a creative household, but knowing that we're from quite creative stock. Everything aligns, your sense of worth aligns as well."

Thankfully, they at least know their heritage has not changed, which Gemma said was important to them. "I think being Welsh was such an important part of our upbringing, we grew up with such a strong sense of pride," Gemma explained. "Fortunately for us not much has changed. I don't know how it would have felt finding out we're French or something, I would be really sad feeling that Welsh community wasn't part of our makeup."

Helen added, "Once you do find out who you actually are, and we are so lucky that we have been able to do that, it gives you such a sense of peace."

Now, they have started a podcast together, and say they are inseparable, as they have 30 years to catch up on.

The Big Picture:

In the United Kingdom (UK), the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) regulates the fertility industry, and Gemma acknowledged there has been progress made... only for it to be quickly reversed as the fertility industry exploded.

"The HFEA has done so much work into making sure that it's regulated, people get to know who their donors are," she said. "The laws have improved so much, but sadly it feels like all of that hard work is going back on itself with the rise of things like Facebook sperm. We were born in an era where there were no rules, it's not that different now. I just think if we can be the voice for the next generation of donor-conceived kids, hopefully that it might inspire some parents to think twice about keeping it secret or not asking questions."

Serial sperm donors have become increasingly common, leading to donor-conceived children having hundreds, if not thousands, of half-siblings.

As Gemma noted, both buyers and sellers have turned to social media to circumvent laws regarding sperm donation, often leaving the children conceived in the dark.

To no surprise, children conceived using donor gametes have begun lamenting that they feel they've been mass-produced. Nevertheless, even as these donor-conceived adults speak out, the number of women buying sperm to become single mothers has increased rapidly. This leaves donor-conceived children intentionally deprived of biological fathers, as well as knowledge of their medical background and heritage.

The Bottom Line:

A Harvard Medical School study found that a majority of donor-conceived children believe donor conception practices to be unethical and immoral.

“I am a human being, yet I was conceived with a technique that had its origins in animal husbandry,” one donor-conceived person wrote in a book for Anonymous Us. “Worst of all, farmers kept better records of their cattle’s genealogy than assisted reproductive clinics … how could the doctors, sworn to ‘first do no harm’ create a system where I now face the pain and loss of my own identity and heritage?”