The idea of you terrified me. I wasn’t ready. I was only 18. The act in which you were conceived was not lovely. And there I sat knowing my life would forever be changed.
I pondered with thoughts that I knew were based on fear and selfishness. I didn’t want my life to change. This was not my plan. It wasn’t fair. I fell to my knees. It was there that God broke me of my selfishness. My fear. This was no longer about me. It was about you. I knew that I had to let go what of what I wanted so that I could give you a fighting chance.
Through my struggle of what to do, I knew deep down in the depths of my heart and soul that you were every much as alive as I was.
You were indeed a precious tiny child. A heart beat. A real live heart beat. You were a part of me. And I loved you. You deserved the very same chance at life that I had been given. You deserved to be loved.
Letting you go would in fact not make what happen to me any better. Or any less painful. No, I would have lived with that regret for the rest of life. Because no matter how you came to be, you were my child. A little tiny human that God gave life. And ending your life would not have fixed anything, it would not have erased what happened to me.
Several months later, I had a miscarriage. I lost you. And I broke. I had lost the very thing I did not think I wanted.
As I grieved the loss of your precious life, it hit me. I was so incredibly thankful that I did not make that choice myself. I chose to love you even though it was hard. God chose life and I chose to honor that until it was time for Him to take you home.
Friends, life is God’s. It is not ours. No matter the circumstances. Many had said that due to the circumstances, I had the right…To choose. Plain and simple…That right is not mine.
My body, my choice, is NOT more important than that precious baby that I was blessed to carry for those few months prior to my miscarriage. It was not my choice if that little heart beat should get to continue to beat.
I look at the two precious children that the Lord has allowed us to raise and love. I would do anything. Absolutely anything to keep them safe. I would die for them. In a second. I would never do anything to harm them.
And all those years ago, I could not do anything to harm my very first child either.