The Kids Are Not Alright: Has divorce trauma led generations to deprioritize marriage and family?

Millennials and Gen Zers are having fewer children than previous generations, leading to speculation about possible reasons why. One overlooked reason is the traumatic experience of a parental divorce and how it can shape the way children view marriage and children.

Divorce often teaches children that 1) a spouse can’t be relied on for any type of security, and 2) because of this, their independent future financial security is paramount.

In the 1970s and 80s, children were raised amid record-high divorce rates, and were led to believe that if they didn’t follow a certain pattern and order for living — a sort of “checklist” for life — that their lives and futures could be ruined. Self-protection became the order of the day, and that transitioned into a somewhat self-focused lifestyle.

It should not be surprising, then, that Millennials and Gen Zers who have been expected to adhere to this mental “checklist” for life have been deprioritizing marriage and children in their own lives.

Key Takeaways:

• Divorce rates hit their peak in 1980, after climbing steadily through the 1970s.

• An increasing number of Gen Xers and older Millennials grew up in broken homes, watching their parents deal with painful separations and divorces — while they experienced this trauma as children.

• Many of those parents (often of the Baby Boomer generation) — possibly as a protective mechanism — urged them to treat life’s great milestones as a sort of mental “checklist” that should happen only in a specific order — and financial stability along with self sufficiency were usually near the top of that list, with marriage and children near the end.

• This mental “checklist,” coupled with childhood trauma from divorce, may have contributed to a delay (or avoidance of) marriage and children unless other things on the “list” were checked off.

The Background:

In 1969, California became the first state to legalize no-fault divorce, in which a couple can legally separate without either party being accused of wrongdoing. Prior to this time, the divorcing spouse was expected to provide a justification for the filing — such as adultery, abandonment, or cruelty.

No-fault divorce changed that, and divorce rates skyrocketed, with Baby Boomers divorcing at astonishing rates. The divorce rate hit its peak in 1980, at 22.6 per 1,000 people, and began to decline from there. Though divorce rates are now lower (the Census Bureau reported a divorce rate of 16.7 in 2022), the state of marriage never fully recovered.

During the 1970s, as Boomers were getting divorced, their children — Gen Xers and older Millennials — weren’t just watching it; they were living it. It was commonly believed that children were resilient and did well in spite of divorce, as long as the parents remained amicable and were able to spend time with both parents.

This belief turned out to be incorrect.

Although there are circumstances when divorce is warranted, the reality is that it has a detrimental effect on the mental health of children. Children whose parents divorce are more likely to struggle in school, experience drug and alcohol abuse, engage in risky sexual behavior, struggle with depression and mood disorders, and live in poverty. Children of divorce are also more likely to get divorced as adults — particularly women.

Divorce Harms Kids

A Daily Mail article from 2013 shared the stories of adults whose parents had divorced during their childhoods or adolescence, demonstrating the fact that divorce is a trauma that impacts children for the rest of their lives.

One woman, Mia, said (emphases added):

I’m a cynical person as a result of the divorce. I am rarely surprised by people’s selfishness. That said, I trust my judgment and try not to let my parents’ experience influence my approach to relationships. Even when both parties behave well, the effect the split has on children is severe and often not given the attention it deserves.

Leighaine said (emphases added):

It affected my view of marriage – a lot of people rush into it too quickly. I’ve only been in one adult relationship, mainly because I’m terrified of the hurt that rips the threads of your life apart – your home, your friends, your finances, your day-to-day life…. The biggest thing I learned from my parents’ divorce is no matter how much you love the other person, if they choose to leave you, there isn’t anything you can do to change their mind.

Mike said (emphases added):

I have a low opinion of marriage. I am far from idealistic about relationships. I worry about how a relationship will end just as it is beginning, which puts pressure on the whole thing. This probably seems cynical but to a certain extent it protects me from the pain of a relationship breaking up.

Alice said (emphasis added):

People always say that their children are their priority during a divorce but they are each dealing with their own issues – separation and the realisation of suddenly being alone. Parents want to be there for their kids, but I think that deep down they just want to finalise the division of assets, etc, before refocusing their energy on their children.

More than anything, I’ve learnt that I wouldn’t want this for my own family. It might make me reluctant to commit in case history repeats itself.

This is the language of trauma — and these fears are all completely understandable, given what these people have experienced. Of course children of painful divorces would fear committing to marriage and family, because they fear they will experience the same pain their parents did — and fear that their own children will experience trauma, too.

It takes trust to build a home and a family. But it’s hard to trust when you’ve watched the foundation of your world crumble and fall apart.

The Fallout:

As Gen Xers, Millennials, and Gen Zers began to arrive at adulthood, the impact of growing up in the shadow of widespread divorce began to manifest.

There has been an almost 30% increase in people who are either unmarried or living without a partner since 1990, with marriage rates falling overall as well. While the majority of adults (69%, according to Pew Research) say they want to get married, that number drops by double digits when asked if they want to have children. Those who do get married and have children are having them at significantly older ages than ever before.

Increasing numbers — particularly of women — say they aren’t so sure about having kids, and a growing number of childless adults say they don’t plan to ever have children. Some couples who do choose to marry also remain “childless by choice.” Though there are likely many possible reasons for this (aside from a general aversion to children), it might benefit us to ask whether trauma, fear, or self-protection might be playing a role in that decision.

Some who put off marriage until they are older struggle with infertility and end up turning to the fertility industry for solutions, which comes with a host of ethical problems and considerations.

Welcome to the Baby Store

Polling has shown that adults now prioritize job satisfaction and friendships over marriage and children as the key to a fulfilling life. This signifies a major shift in the overall outlook on life among American adults. And, accordingly, the birth rate among Americans has hit a record low.

The Expectation Checklist:

These mass, widespread societal changes have had a huge effect on how generations of children — not just the children from divorced homes — have been raised, and how they have been expected to plan their lives regarding education, career, and home. From the youngest ages, many children have ingrained into their minds the expected “checklist” for success:

• Graduate high school √

• Go to college √

• Get a job that pays well so you can be financially stable √

After all, the belief is that you can’t depend on anyone else.

Only when these ‘to-dos’ are all checked off is a person allowed to move on to marriage and family — or at least, that’s the impression that’s given. It’s treated like the mathematical “order of operations.” You must multiply or divide first — adding and subtracting come later, or you’ll get the wrong answer.

This mental checklist is often presented as a surefire way to build a successful, prosperous life, and diverging from it is a path to poverty and ruin. Socially, it is still expected for young people to eschew marriage and family until the financial areas of life are ensured; only once the perfect job (and perhaps even the perfect house) has been attained is it considered acceptable to consider marriage and/or children. (Even cohabitation is now considered “normative” and is often placed on the mental checklist before a stable marriage.)

So, what happens if a child is unexpectedly conceived before the next position on that checklist? Unfortunately, since many young women and men are told that an unexpected pregnancy will ruin their lives, abortion is often the first consideration.

The Bottom Line:

Despite the trauma of divorce, the life expectations “checklist,” or other factors, there is hope.

Marriage — associated with better mental health, financial stability, and overall happiness — just might be making a comeback. Brad Wilcox recently reported at The Atlantic:

Divorce is down and the share of children in two-parent families is up. Marriage as a social institution is showing new strength—even among groups that drifted away from the institution in the 20th century, including Black and working-class Americans…

[T]he decades-long decline in the proportion of Americans who are married may have reached its low point.

As Wilcox says, this is good news for society… and for children.

Recognizing the root of one’s attitudes toward marriage and parenting is incredibly important. Working through it all in a healthy way to find healing is the next step. Life is a journey, not a checklist — and the trauma many have experienced from broken homes is proof that marriage and family do matter.

Younger and future generations can recognize the problems of the past and choose a better way forward.

Go Deeper:

Read more in this Live Action News series below.

• The Kids are Not Alright: Gen Z most anxious about future, spurns marriage and kids

• The Kids are Not Alright: How a warped worldview has led couples to spurn parenthood

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