Abortion almost destroyed their marriage until healing came decades later

Lisa Davis was just 16 years old when she met Mike, the man who would eventually become her husband. But in the years preceding their marriage, the decision to have an abortion would haunt their troubled union for years to come.

Unexpected pregnancy, and a pressured abortion

“I dated Mike for two years during high school, and then we broke up,” Davis told Live Action News. “In my first year of nursing school, I went to visit him one night hoping to rekindle our romance and got pregnant.”

At first, Davis refused to believe she was expecting. She was relieved when the test result at the clinic came back positive, initially thinking this meant she wasn’t pregnant. But when staff members at the Planned Parenthood rushed to schedule an abortion, she could no longer hide from the truth.

“When I realized I was pregnant, I panicked,” Davis said. “I think Planned Parenthood took advantage of my vulnerability and manipulated me into having the abortion. They never asked if I wanted the procedure, they just scheduled it. I realize now I had gone to an abortion clinic and once they knew I was pregnant, they never intended to give me another option.”

Both Davis’ boyfriend and mother told her they would support whatever decision she made. Her sister-in-law, however, urged Davis not to keep the appointment. But Davis had convinced herself there was no other option, and ignored her sister-in-law’s pleas.

“I rationalized that I had a good reason for going ahead with the abortion,” she said. “I had gotten the rubella vaccination recently. While at the time, I hadn’t confirmed my pregnancy, college administrators advised any student who may be pregnant to avoid getting the vaccine because of potential risk to the developing fetus.”

READ: Post-abortive women grieve anew in wake of Roe’s reversal: ‘I can’t ever take it back’

At the pre-procedure “counseling session,” a clinician recited the canned talking points: her baby was just a “blob of cells,” and the simple procedure would allow her to go on with her life, unencumbered with an unwanted child. After she was given a package of birth control pills and a Valium, a terrified Davis was wheeled into the surgical suite.

“I just remember the doctor coming into the room without even introducing himself,” she recalled. “I couldn’t see his face; he was so gowned up. The procedure itself was so painful that I clenched my jaw and clutched the nurse’s hand. The nurse told me I was brave, but I couldn’t shake the feeling I was doing something horrible.”

In the recovery area Davis was astounded to see a room filled with predominantly black women, some who were moaning and crying. “It wasn’t until later I learned that 40% of abortions are performed on black women,” she said.

Afterward, Davis’s boyfriend picked her up on his way out of town for a business engagement. Davis wept in the car, but like flipping a light switch, she turned off her emotions and buried them deep inside. She was determined to graduate from nursing school and couldn’t afford to let her feelings drag her down.

A lifetime of pain

When Mike and Lisa Davis married two years later, years of suppression and denial had hardened her heart and she adopted a pro-choice stance, rationalizing why abortion was acceptable. Davis’s husband had once loved playing with the children in his family, but now, after the abortion, he suddenly felt detached from them. Anger and resentment took hold and festered inside of him, causing him to lash out often.

“He once told me that the woman who went into the abortion clinic was not the same woman who came out,” Davis said. “Throughout our marriage he was always blaming me for something, always finding fault with me. Yet, he had told me he’d support my decision to have the abortion if that’s what I wanted. Still, I was willing to take the blame because I didn’t know how to stand up for myself.”

During that time, the Davises struggled for five years with infertility, wondering if God was punishing them for the terrible deed years earlier. When their first child was born, Davis felt as if God had forgiven her, but she didn’t fully submit to her life to Christ until her second child was born several years later. Davis’s husband, however, was not yet ready to confront his pain.

READ: Woodworker makes ‘memory boxes’ to help grieving, post-abortive women

Healing, hope, and love

Davis began volunteering at a pregnancy resource center, where she learned about post-abortion healing. The center’s director led Davis to a post-abortive Bible study, which marked the beginning of her healing process.

Davis said, “It was a joyful reminder of God’s mercy and love. I was set free when I was forgiven, and I wanted to help others in their journeys.”

Davis started leading the Bible studies and as a result, it deepened her healing as well. In 2016, at a CareNet conference, Davis learned about Deeper Still, a post-abortive healing program and signed up for training. She begged her recalcitrant husband to accompany her to a Deeper Still retreat.

“It seemed the healthier I tried to get, the angrier Mike got,” Davis said. “He became impossible to live with and I considered leaving the marriage. But the Deeper Still retreat marked a turning point for both of us. Learning to grieve our loss helped us to heal from the trauma of abortion and in turn, transformed our marriage. We became more loving, kind, and respectful to each other.”

Grateful to the Deeper Still program for guiding them on a difficult and painful journey, Davis felt compelled to start a chapter in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

“Leading the Bible study was fulfilling but when it ended, I felt God was taking me in another direction,” she said. “It’s often hard for men to confront their emotional pain and to work through sensitive issues in a public way. Men, just as much as women, have benefited from Deeper Still retreats where Mike and I see God moving in so many lives, bringing extraordinary blessings through reconciliation.”

Editor’s Note: If you are a post-abortive woman or man and are in need of help to process grief and trauma, please consult Live Action’s resources page for a list of organizations offering assistance.

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