Rules for feminists in 2015

I’ve been an ultra-feminist, so I can teach you how to be ultra-feminist in 2015.  First, you need to understand that being ultra-feminist has nothing to do with actually preserving anything peculiar to womanhood. Being ultra-feminist means holding up abortion’s promise of equality.

Second, rebel against values terminology by dogmatically using feminist phraseology such as “reproductive rights.” You’ll want to keep your eyes closed especially tightly with this one, because now you’re going to insist on a sexist premise — that women are inferior to men and that, in order to be equal, we have to change our biology to become like men. You’re going to want to stress that abortion is essential for women to participate freely and equally in society, that surgery is necessary to be equal.

Third, paint parenthood as feasible only for people who are completely ready — financially, emotionally, career-wise — for all that it will demand. Children need to come precisely when we are ready for them; otherwise, off with their heads. Literally.

Fourth, call those who disagree with you patriarchal sexist pigs to demonstrate your feminist cred. It’s like showing your ID to get into a bar. And you’ll need to disregard the fact increasingly evidenced that abortion serves a new patriarchy, as deadbeat lovers, rapists, and sex-traffickers get in line to benefit from abortion’s promise.

Fifth, employ the “medical model” to harness the authority of doctors to legitimize abortion. Repeat after me: “reproductive health.” Every chance you get. You’re going to have to make this your go-to reply on every occasion when abortion is mentioned. Never mind the numerous studies showing abortion’s harmful complications; you’re going to want to maintain the mantras “reproductive rights” and “reproductive freedom” nonstop.

Sixth — and this is important — you must stress the fact that a woman must choose, and then be clear in offering her only one option. Stress the loss a woman might experience if she decides to have her child and place him or her up for adoption, but fail to mention the profound sense of regret that can occur when her offspring is aborted rather than placed with a loving family. She needs to wise up and make a choice; abortion promises her only chance.

Finally, if you’ve had an abortion, you need to believe that being a woman is all about having the right to “control my body” even when it’s not your body you are controlling. Even if you have no idea how taking the life of your offspring empowers you as a woman, you need to celebrate abortion’s promise.

I’ve been an ultra-feminist, so I feel for you, but I’ve also researched abortion’s effects on society and heard the voices of women who’ve aborted their children. There is nothing right about it.