GUEST ARTICLE: The day I fell on the battlefield of abortion

Disclaimer: Opinions expressed in this guest post are solely those of the guest author.

April is Abortion Recovery Awareness Month. The goal is to provide healing and support to people who have had an abortion and to educate the public on the negative impact of abortion. The moral, emotional and physical injuries sustained as the result of an abortion can last a lifetime, and healing is necessary. I can write that statement as part of my lived experience.

Growing up the child of an alcoholic, I became the defender for my family who struggled with my dad during his drunken rages. I was brave at those moments, only to break down in tears later on, always asking God where He was in times of crisis. The summer going into my senior year of high school, my dad choked to death while drinking. My dad’s choices had terrible consequences that sadly affected me and others. This is true for me as well because of my own abortion decision.

Survival mode

In my second year of college, I found myself in an unplanned pregnancy. Seeing the positive confirmation on the pregnancy test triggered my “survival mode” response I had learned years earlier. What was I going to do? I told my boyfriend that I was pregnant, and we agreed that it was best to abort the baby. I wanted to be sure I really was pregnant, so I suggested we do a blood test for accuracy. Looking back, I was stalling too. I, like most women, was ambivalent; we don’t really want an abortion. I wrestled between denial and fear. I was seeking a way out of this nightmare.

I wanted my baby. I felt the bond early. I also knew that I wanted to stay with my boyfriend. Like so many others, I felt that if I chose to continue carrying the baby, I might lose him. For those who have never had to make this choice, it seems like a “no-brainer” to choose to protect the life of the baby. How I wish that to be true. When you are scared, you don’t think clearly.

The woman at Planned Parenthood dismissed my maternal concerns, stating, “When the time is right, you can have a baby.” She said that as if the one I was carrying wasn’t a baby; the one I had within me already. The decision became much easier to think about and to get this done before it “became” a baby.

I prayed, “Lord, I am doing something you don’t want me to do, but I don’t know what else to do. I promise you; I am your girl, and I will be back.”

Painfully, I never asked God for help or turned to others for guidance. God created me, my boyfriend, and our little one. None of us are mistakes. Yet in a moment of fear, I turned my back on my baby and the God of my heart. On September 14, 1982, I fell on the battlefield of abortion. This was 43 years ago; I remember all too many details. Women are told we can forget about it and move on. My life experience is this is a lie.

The mercy of God

According to The deVeber Institute, the rate of marital breakups and relationship dissolution after an abortion is 40-75%. Thankfully, my boyfriend and I survived my abortion. Today we are happily married and have three grown married children and four beautiful grandbabies. God is merciful.

After hearing an abortion testimony in our church, the Lord prompted me to visit our local pregnancy help clinic, and I received after-abortion healing. I went on to become the CEO of our local pregnancy help clinic for 10 years. During that time, we helped women like me to find the faith and help they need to follow their hearts and give life. We also helped many receive God’s forgiveness and healing. Growing up in a dysfunctional home gave me the skills to help others on the battlefield I had fallen on. From a very young age, I learned to “speak for those who cannot speak.”

The Lord would provide an answer to my prayer: I did actually go back to Him. I had the privilege to speak at the grand opening of the pregnancy help center that was built next door to the Planned Parenthood we went to more than 30 years earlier.

I currently serve as the Director of Mission Advancement for PassionLife, a global Pro-Life Mission Organization. PassionLife teaches how the grace of the Gospel overcomes the guilt and shame of abortion so that women and men are set free. Our family is a living testimony of this grace and freedom.

We cannot heal from something we do not acknowledge. If you have had an abortion in your past and desire healing, seek the healing and forgiveness that God can provide today. Reach out to your local pregnancy help center to get started. This peace and joy can be yours as well.

Bio: Tammy De Armas leads the effort to expand the PassionLife community of partners and intercessors, who fuel PassionLife’s mission to bring biblical pro-life training and pregnancy help services to the neediest places on earth. Her passion for the work comes from her own steady transformation through Christ, including confessing her own regret as one “fallen on the battlefield of abortion” and experiencing the power of God as “forgiven and set free.” Tammy volunteered and eventually served as Chief Executive Officer of her local pregnancy medical clinic for 10 years prior to joining PassionLife in their global mission.