I’m a 29-year-old single mom… and I made the worst choice of my life last April.
I became pregnant and I knew in my heart of hearts that I wanted to place my baby in the arms of a loving mother and father who were together, and who could support my baby financially and give love as a family.
But my baby’s father put me in an awful position and situation… so I went against my heart, morals, and beliefs.
The Planned Parenthood staff could tell I was very undecided and not sure I wanted to go through with it. I asked for the ultrasound, which kills me to this day. It cost $100 to get the ultrasound in my hand. I remember being angry and making them charge it to the father. I remember looking at it, saying, “That’s a baby… our baby.” I took the ultrasound, knowing when we came that following week there was no way I’d be able to go through with it. But I did.
I will never forget the day or night before my abortion appointment; I talked and cried out to God for forgiveness, and I told my baby how sorry I was.
I cried on the way to meet with my baby’s father, and on the way into Planned Parenthood. I was the only woman crying in there from start to finish — a girl walking in sobbing, being patted on the back and told, “You’ll be ok.” I dont understand how they let me go through with it. I remember it all. I was hysterical in the exam room, and Planned Parenthood staff was telling me to relax because they didn’t want me to have complications.
I heard God’s voice tell me to get up and walk away, but I felt it was too late. Oh, how I wish I could turn back time.
It wasn’t something that I wanted to do and I felt beyond horrible about it. I knew I would be messed up mentally and emotionally from it all, and immediately, I came out a mess.
I felt no relief like so many others claim to feel. I was just beyond distraught. I remember getting to my best friend’s empty apartment after the procedure and I fell to the floor screaming, and cried my eyes out that afternoon. I was depressed for weeks, and then the weeks turned into months, yet I still had to be a parent to my 6-year-old daughter.
I remember my daughter would often ask me what was wrong when all mommy would do is cry and want to sleep.
I know loss. My firstborn daughter, Naomi, was born at 28 weeks due to severe preeclampsia. She survived outside my womb for 5 weeks. The pain of losing a child is indescribable and it stays with you forever. She would be 8 years old this April. I never thought I would be able to go on after losing my daughter. I was given my 6-year-old daughter by the grace of God.
I know what life is like in the womb at every stage and yet I went through with the worst thing imaginable.
I allowed my baby’s father to threaten me. He told me if I chose adoption like I wanted to, he would make my life a living hell.
I know that I’ve been forgiven by the Lord and saved by his grace, but I can’t lie… there’s not a day that I don’t wish I hadn’t gone through with what I did. I have flashbacks to that day, to the Planned Parenthood workers who just stared at me as I cried, not doing a thing. I still, to this day at times, cannot use a vacuum, and have to stop cleaning because I am reminded of the pain and memories I went through. Certain noises get to me and I turn away and try with all my might to block them out. It is also difficult to see babies who are the same age as my baby would be now.
This April 9th marked a year for me since I had my abortion, and it really pains my heart. I have named my baby Abby.
Recently I found a story about Save the Storks and what they do to help other women. I also am thankful I have found Live Action. It is strongly on my heart to tell my story to help other girls and women to not go down the same path I did. They can choose life. There is hope, there are resources, and so much more. Abortion is not the answer, ever.
Editor’s Note: If you are pregnant and need help, are considering abortion, or if you’ve had an abortion and need to talk to someone, please click here for more information.