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GUEST ARTICLE: Coerced into an international abortion at 8 months
Disclaimer: Opinions expressed in this guest post are solely those of the author.
In the spring of 2022, I became pregnant by my then-boyfriend, Josef. At first, I did not realize that I was pregnant. At the same time, I had undergone eye surgery, and that was what occupied my attention during those first weeks. A few weeks later, I took a pregnancy test and discovered that I was pregnant with his child. I went to the doctor alone, and the pregnancy was confirmed.
For reasons I still struggle to explain, I could not tell my boyfriend. I was afraid—deeply afraid. I knew he would pressure me to have an abortion, so I kept the pregnancy secret. I do not know whether I did this out of fear or because I had become so emotionally dependent and vulnerable within that relationship.
The baby continued to grow. She was healthy, and there were no abnormalities.
Eventually, the day came when Josef noticed that my belly was growing. He asked what was happening, and I told him.
He became angry. He said that we needed to see German doctors immediately so they could look for possible abnormalities or illnesses — something that might make it possible to legally abort the baby while she was still in the womb. But I knew my baby was healthy.
He manipulated me. He told me that I would have to raise the child alone, that I had no money, that the child would have a terrible life, and that I had no family support.
But what seemed to matter most to him was his own reputation. He feared that his Christian family would not accept a child born outside marriage and that they would look down on him. He wanted to continue living his single life.
When the German doctors could not give him what he wanted, he forced me to contact doctors and clinics in America. He had researched where a late abortion might be possible. I was already in my eighth month of pregnancy, close to 30 weeks.
At that time, I remembered Live Action from my school years. I had followed their page and had already seen and read their posts. I also knew about the Surgi-Clinic in Washington, D.C.
Josef continued to pressure and threaten me until I found the cheapest clinic, and I had to research it myself.
I read about the methods. I was horrified. I remember thinking: Is this really what is going to happen to me? To my baby? I need to get away.
But where could I go? He did not want this baby. What future could I possibly have with her?
I felt as though I was going to die — inside, and almost physically as well.
I am now in therapy, and at the time I did not understand that what I was experiencing was emotional abuse. From the outside, he appeared to be a kind man. But inside the relationship, everything felt dark and dead.
He insisted on this clinic, no matter what. Then I saw its name. I recognized it from the horrifying images I had once seen online of babies in buckets—babies who were approximately the age my daughter was.
I begged him not to force me. I begged him to stop. But he continued threatening me. He told me I had no future with this child and that the child would suffer terribly.
Eventually, I called the clinic and made the appointment. They explained the procedure to me, and Josef booked the flights to America.
On the very first day, my baby was injected and died inside my womb. I was then given medication that left me feeling silenced and powerless.
I ask myself why I was not strong enough to protect my own child. But it was too late.
That same evening, in the hotel, my little girl was dead inside me. Josef pressured me to have sex with him while his own child was dead in my womb. I did not want it.
I wanted everything simply to stop, and I submitted because I felt completely powerless.
The days passed. Medical sticks were used to open my cervix. My water broke in front of the doctor while I was lying on a hard examination table. The clinic itself felt more like a makeshift back room than a medical facility.
On the final morning, I developed a high fever. I heard in the clinic that women staying in the same hotel sometimes delivered their babies on the hotel floor.
Part of me wished that would happen to me. Then I could have taken my baby, held her, and kept her forever. I gave her a name: Eloise.
But that final day became the worst day of my life.
I was told to lie down on a hard table so the medical sticks could be removed. During the procedure, one of the nurses put her entire hand inside me.
I screamed from the depths of my soul. I begged her to stop. I begged for anesthesia. It was horrifying.
Afterward, I was taken to a waiting room with two other women. There, I began having intense contractions. I screamed so loudly that I know people throughout the clinic could hear me.
It was only about four hours later that the anesthesiologist came and put me under.
To this day, I do not know how my daughter came out of me. I do not know what she looked like. I do not know whether she was hurt. I do not know what happened to her afterward.
What I do know is that I was told nothing about her remains.
I fear that, like the babies I had seen in the images, she was treated as medical waste and taken away.
That thought makes me die a thousand deaths every day. It is unbearable.
I was not allowed to see her. But I begged the nurse for her footprints.
I opened the envelope in the bathroom. While I was there, almost half a liter of blood flowed onto the floor.
I was not allowed to rest. I had to get up immediately after the procedure and dress myself.
Josef was waiting outside the clinic. He told me that we had to fly straight back to Germany. I was in shock.
At the airport, my face became paler and paler. I was shaking all over. I thought I was going to faint.
Josef put his hand on my stomach and said, “Your belly is so beautifully flat now.”
Then he simply went and got something to eat.
He took selfies for his friends on WhatsApp while I sat in front of him and stared at him. I felt as though I were in a dream. I was paralyzed. Silent tears simply ran down my cheeks while I stared into nothingness.
Then we flew back to Germany.
And somewhere, my baby was gone.
Back in Germany, I thought things would get better. Instead, they became worse and worse.
I had many nervous breakdowns. I often screamed. Josef would simply continue sleeping, or sometimes he would turn up the radio.
Many times I lay on the sofa and wanted only to die.
It was, and still is, absolute horror.
And I had to pretend in front of his family that nothing had happened. Inside, I felt as though I had died. At that time, part of me wished that I could have died too. I believed I would see Eloise in Heaven.
I want to use my testimony to help women who are facing situations like the one I faced—to tell them that coercion, fear, and manipulation are not freedom, and that they deserve help and protection.
I also want to help protect babies from suffering like this. And I want to bring attention to what I experienced inside that clinic.
After I returned home to Germany, medical material continued to come out of my body. I had severe cramps, and I could have developed a serious infection.
For three years, my soul has been crying out about this calling.
Now I believe the day has finally come to speak.
I want Eloise's life to mean something. I cannot change what happened to her. I cannot go back and save her. But I can tell her story. I can speak for women who feel trapped. I can speak for children who cannot speak for themselves.
Live Action News is pro-life news and commentary from a pro-life perspective.
Our work is possible because of our donors. Please consider giving to further our work of changing hearts and minds on issues of life and human dignity.
Contact editor@liveaction.org for questions, corrections, or if you are seeking permission to reprint any Live Action News content.
Guest Articles: To submit a guest article to Live Action News, email editor@liveaction.org with an attached Word document of 800-1000 words. Please also attach any photos relevant to your submission if applicable. If your submission is accepted for publication, you will be notified within three weeks. Guest articles are not compensated (see our Open License Agreement). Thank you for your interest in Live Action News!
Nancy Flanders
·
Guest Column
Right to Life UK
·
Guest Column
Bryan Lawrence Gonsalves
·
Guest Column
Kelli Stelter
·
International
Right to Life UK
·
Guest Column
Liberty Counsel
·GUEST ARTICLE: Coerced into an international abortion at 8 months
Disclaimer: Opinions expressed in this guest post are solely those of the author.
In the spring of 2022, I became pregnant by my then-boyfriend, Josef. At first, I did not realize that I was pregnant. At the same time, I had undergone eye surgery, and that was what occupied my attention during those first weeks. A few weeks later, I took a pregnancy test and discovered that I was pregnant with his child. I went to the doctor alone, and the pregnancy was confirmed.
For reasons I still struggle to explain, I could not tell my boyfriend. I was afraid—deeply afraid. I knew he would pressure me to have an abortion, so I kept the pregnancy secret. I do not know whether I did this out of fear or because I had become so emotionally dependent and vulnerable within that relationship.
The baby continued to grow. She was healthy, and there were no abnormalities.
Eventually, the day came when Josef noticed that my belly was growing. He asked what was happening, and I told him.
He became angry. He said that we needed to see German doctors immediately so they could look for possible abnormalities or illnesses — something that might make it possible to legally abort the baby while she was still in the womb. But I knew my baby was healthy.
He manipulated me. He told me that I would have to raise the child alone, that I had no money, that the child would have a terrible life, and that I had no family support.
But what seemed to matter most to him was his own reputation. He feared that his Christian family would not accept a child born outside marriage and that they would look down on him. He wanted to continue living his single life.
When the German doctors could not give him what he wanted, he forced me to contact doctors and clinics in America. He had researched where a late abortion might be possible. I was already in my eighth month of pregnancy, close to 30 weeks.
At that time, I remembered Live Action from my school years. I had followed their page and had already seen and read their posts. I also knew about the Surgi-Clinic in Washington, D.C.
Josef continued to pressure and threaten me until I found the cheapest clinic, and I had to research it myself.
I read about the methods. I was horrified. I remember thinking: Is this really what is going to happen to me? To my baby? I need to get away.
But where could I go? He did not want this baby. What future could I possibly have with her?
I felt as though I was going to die — inside, and almost physically as well.
I am now in therapy, and at the time I did not understand that what I was experiencing was emotional abuse. From the outside, he appeared to be a kind man. But inside the relationship, everything felt dark and dead.
He insisted on this clinic, no matter what. Then I saw its name. I recognized it from the horrifying images I had once seen online of babies in buckets—babies who were approximately the age my daughter was.
I begged him not to force me. I begged him to stop. But he continued threatening me. He told me I had no future with this child and that the child would suffer terribly.
Eventually, I called the clinic and made the appointment. They explained the procedure to me, and Josef booked the flights to America.
On the very first day, my baby was injected and died inside my womb. I was then given medication that left me feeling silenced and powerless.
I ask myself why I was not strong enough to protect my own child. But it was too late.
That same evening, in the hotel, my little girl was dead inside me. Josef pressured me to have sex with him while his own child was dead in my womb. I did not want it.
I wanted everything simply to stop, and I submitted because I felt completely powerless.
The days passed. Medical sticks were used to open my cervix. My water broke in front of the doctor while I was lying on a hard examination table. The clinic itself felt more like a makeshift back room than a medical facility.
On the final morning, I developed a high fever. I heard in the clinic that women staying in the same hotel sometimes delivered their babies on the hotel floor.
Part of me wished that would happen to me. Then I could have taken my baby, held her, and kept her forever. I gave her a name: Eloise.
But that final day became the worst day of my life.
I was told to lie down on a hard table so the medical sticks could be removed. During the procedure, one of the nurses put her entire hand inside me.
I screamed from the depths of my soul. I begged her to stop. I begged for anesthesia. It was horrifying.
Afterward, I was taken to a waiting room with two other women. There, I began having intense contractions. I screamed so loudly that I know people throughout the clinic could hear me.
It was only about four hours later that the anesthesiologist came and put me under.
To this day, I do not know how my daughter came out of me. I do not know what she looked like. I do not know whether she was hurt. I do not know what happened to her afterward.
What I do know is that I was told nothing about her remains.
I fear that, like the babies I had seen in the images, she was treated as medical waste and taken away.
That thought makes me die a thousand deaths every day. It is unbearable.
I was not allowed to see her. But I begged the nurse for her footprints.
I opened the envelope in the bathroom. While I was there, almost half a liter of blood flowed onto the floor.
I was not allowed to rest. I had to get up immediately after the procedure and dress myself.
Josef was waiting outside the clinic. He told me that we had to fly straight back to Germany. I was in shock.
At the airport, my face became paler and paler. I was shaking all over. I thought I was going to faint.
Josef put his hand on my stomach and said, “Your belly is so beautifully flat now.”
Then he simply went and got something to eat.
He took selfies for his friends on WhatsApp while I sat in front of him and stared at him. I felt as though I were in a dream. I was paralyzed. Silent tears simply ran down my cheeks while I stared into nothingness.
Then we flew back to Germany.
And somewhere, my baby was gone.
Back in Germany, I thought things would get better. Instead, they became worse and worse.
I had many nervous breakdowns. I often screamed. Josef would simply continue sleeping, or sometimes he would turn up the radio.
Many times I lay on the sofa and wanted only to die.
It was, and still is, absolute horror.
And I had to pretend in front of his family that nothing had happened. Inside, I felt as though I had died. At that time, part of me wished that I could have died too. I believed I would see Eloise in Heaven.
I want to use my testimony to help women who are facing situations like the one I faced—to tell them that coercion, fear, and manipulation are not freedom, and that they deserve help and protection.
I also want to help protect babies from suffering like this. And I want to bring attention to what I experienced inside that clinic.
After I returned home to Germany, medical material continued to come out of my body. I had severe cramps, and I could have developed a serious infection.
For three years, my soul has been crying out about this calling.
Now I believe the day has finally come to speak.
I want Eloise's life to mean something. I cannot change what happened to her. I cannot go back and save her. But I can tell her story. I can speak for women who feel trapped. I can speak for children who cannot speak for themselves.
Live Action News is pro-life news and commentary from a pro-life perspective.
Our work is possible because of our donors. Please consider giving to further our work of changing hearts and minds on issues of life and human dignity.
Contact editor@liveaction.org for questions, corrections, or if you are seeking permission to reprint any Live Action News content.
Guest Articles: To submit a guest article to Live Action News, email editor@liveaction.org with an attached Word document of 800-1000 words. Please also attach any photos relevant to your submission if applicable. If your submission is accepted for publication, you will be notified within three weeks. Guest articles are not compensated (see our Open License Agreement). Thank you for your interest in Live Action News!
Nancy Flanders
·Guest Column
Right to Life UK
·Guest Column
Bryan Lawrence Gonsalves
·Guest Column
Kelli Stelter
·International
Right to Life UK
·Guest Column
Liberty Counsel
·