Childhood abuse led her down a difficult path of abortion, but God redeemed her

At age 11, Shandi Tatje was molested by a close family member, but those who knew about it did nothing to intervene. A troubled upbringing would later lead her to make life-changing decisions that would add to her trauma.

The Impact of Internalized Trauma

Tatje told Live Action News, “Looking back at my childhood, I couldn’t believe what was happening to me. When I told a trusted family member about being molested, I was told it was [the abuser's] way of expressing love. I internalized my trauma, thinking there was something wrong with me and later got counseling.”

As her family strife worsened, a depressed and desperate Tatje wrote on a piece of paper that she “didn’t want to be here anymore.”

“My mother interpreted that statement as me wanting to commit suicide when I meant I didn’t want to be in my home any longer,” Tatje said. “So, I was given a choice to commit myself to a mental health facility for 21 days or if I refused, I would be involuntarily committed and remain longer.” So, at age 13, she agreed to go the facility.

Later, Tatje became rebellious during her teen years and ran away from home when she was 16, staying with her boyfriend for three months. During that time, her mother and siblings were living with her uncle.

Abandoned and Pressured

Tatje said, “It was while living with my boyfriend that I got pregnant, the end of my junior year in high school. My mother was against abortion, and I planned to keep my baby. My boyfriend told me it wasn’t his problem, and he didn’t want to be involved.”

But when the family member who had molested her learned of her pregnancy, he asked to meet her for dinner. She felt obligated to go – this man, despite his perverse nature - was an authority figure in her life.

“He told me that I cannot have ‘Satan’s child’ and suggested I have an abortion,” Tatje said. “He was emphatic that had a choice not to have the baby and offered to take me.”

Tatje decided to have an abortion, hoping to win acceptance from the man who had stolen her childhood innocence.

When her mother found out, she was devastated.

A Second Abortion Followed by Miscarriages 

After the abortion, she tried to numb the pain with alcohol and drugs.

“I had out of body experiences by abusing dangerous drugs I shouldn’t have been taking,” Tatje said. “There were situations where I should have died, like in a serious car accident. And I had several boyfriends throughout the years following.”

She moved, trying to change her life; while she stopped taking drugs, she was still abusing alcohol. Then she became pregnant again and wasn’t sure who fathered her child.

Tatje said, “I was 12 weeks along and just felt I couldn’t handle the embarrassment of an unexpected pregnancy. The second abortion really hit me hard.”

She didn’t leave the house for two weeks following her abortion, resumed abusing alcohol and drugs and got into more car accidents. 

“I don’t know how I survived running into guardrails,” Tatje said. “I was being reckless, trying once again to numb the pain caused by abortion.”

In an abusive relationship with a man, she eventually moved on and became involved in another relationship, which resulted in the birth of her daughter. She also suffered two miscarriages. 

Tatje said, “During the second miscarriage, I saw my deceased baby and passed out. I still was not in touch with the anguish I had been suppressing.”

Healing Journey

When Tatje was in her 40s, she started attending church services and Bible studies. It was nearly 30 years after her first abortion that she enrolled in a post abortive healing class with CareNet. 

“It took me nine months to get through a nine-week course,” Tatje said. “It was as if Satan tried to keep me from completing it. There was one incident after another that preempted me from attending class, but I never gave up on trying.”

Then, one day while listening to a podcast, she heard about a four-day retreat, piquing her interest.

Tatje decide to attend the retreat, and this changed everything. She said, “It was at that retreat that God redeemed me. I was dealing with so much anger and unforgiveness. I had been punishing myself through the years and now, I finally understood how much God loved me.”

Since then, Tatje and her husband had been praying for a God-directed mission. Now living in Florida, Tatje and her husband will be soon relocating to Franklin, Tennessee, where Tatje plans to become involved with a pregnancy help clinic in the area. It's where she believes God wants her.

 "I am excited at this new chapter in my life,” Tatje said.