Christian writer expresses regret over choosing IVF: ‘I’m not God and I was playing Him’

When writer Ericka Andersen first began the IVF process, she believed it was consistent with her pro-life principles. “I’d been a vocal, pro-life advocate since elementary school, but IVF felt like the opposite of abortion. It was life creation, not destruction,” she wrote on Substack. 

But Andersen — whose works have been featured in publications such as New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Christianity Today and others — soon became aware of the troubling ethical issues involved in IVF. 

“At first, I didn’t think a lot [about] it because I became pregnant and my dreams of motherhood became reality — twice over,” she wrote. “It wasn’t until the dust settled on babyhood that I began to consider the ‘batch’ of embryos from which my two children came.”

Andersen continued: “I began to imagine them side-by-side [with] their siblings, recognizing that they were conceived in the exact same way at the exact same time as the others. That it was by luck these two were chosen — these two who are 2 years apart but came into existence at the same time, just like the others.”

These were heartbreaking meditations. “I have deep anguish at the lives that I haven’t carried, the siblings of my children that they will never meet. The babies I will never know, whose eyes I will not see, whose bodies I will not rock, whose smiles I will not recognize,” Andersen shared.

Nine of her IVF-created embryos are reportedly “sitting on ice in a freezer.”

“I knew IVF could create extra embryos and I prayed that our process would give us exactly the number we wanted to parent: three would be perfect. But I’m not God and I was playing Him — or letting doctors do so at least,” Andersen wrote, adding, “You can’t make an iffy, ethical choice in hopes it will work out as you wish.”

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Andersen initially received solace from her decision to pursue embryo adoption for her nine frozen children. But this was short-lived:

I learned something I’d never known before. A baby who is not raised by their biological parents is likely to suffer trauma, identity issues and a host of other emotional issues.

They may ask why we didn’t want them? They may wonder who they look like? They may anguish that they had a mother, father and siblings they didn’t get to meet….

This was new to me. I thought as long as they are raised from birth in a loving family, they’ll be okay. With this new revelation, my heart shattered again. I created life and abandoned it. I am leaving these babies with trauma, abandonment and identity issues. I DID this.

Andersen confessed that her grief remains unhealed. “I will never have true peace about this because this is an ongoing situation,” she wrote. 

These are not ‘cells’ — these are human beings just waiting to live. And I made them. I put them in this purgatory. It feels like the worst thing I’ve ever done, as sinful as abortion in some ways. It feels like blasphemy. It feels like hell to know it in my heart. What kind of mother does this? 

Andersen expressed her hope that sharing her story will help others avoid the pain she is currently experiencing. “If you’re considering IVF, consider what I’ve written,” she advised. “Don’t find yourself in my situation, struggling to rectify the pain of frozen children.”