Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this guest post are solely those of the author and are not necessarily reflective of Live Action or Live Action News.
I had an abortion When I was 21. I did it out of fear because my child was conceived out of incest. To be honest, I am terrified writing about my experience now, even though it was in the past.
When I was 17 years old, I moved back to the state where I was born. I hadn’t really met any of my family, including my dad. I was really excited to see him because we only talked over the phone a few times a year. I had a bad home life with my mother so I went to go live with him. We would hang out often and sometimes would go to a family member’s house and smoke weed and drink alcohol.
One night we didn’t go back home and decided to walk to the park. Neither he nor I felt a “father-daughter” connection and he scooted in close to me and I laid my head on his chest. We kissed and that led to sex. After that he asked me if I loved him. I didn’t know how I felt. I was confused, but for some reason, I said yes. I guess it felt like I should after what we had just done. After that we walked home holding hands and we were in a relationship.
I didn’t know how to feel about it at first, but after a week of being with him, I fell in love with him. Nobody could ever change my mind at that point. It wasn’t normal or healthy — I was obsessed.
Throughout our relationship we went through so many crazy things together, and it only made me love him harder. Often, he would get really upset and he would hit me. I stayed with him because I was madly in love with him.
I put up with being raped, beaten, and called “fat” and “ugly.” He would tell me that he hated my voice and that I was stupid because I couldn’t do simple math. I stayed because he would always apologize and everything would go back to normal. I was so in love with him that I believed he was my soulmate, and I let him own me. I stayed in that relationship for three years, and I can’t even begin to explain all of the things that happened.
One day I noticed some changes in my body and I took a pregnancy test. When the test came back positive I was afraid but happy too. I had really wanted a baby.
I called him while he was at work and he didn’t say much other than that we needed to find a solution. He didn’t want to get caught and go to prison. A few weeks went by and he told me I needed to abort our child. I was afraid. I felt lost and confused. I didn’t know the gender of my child but I guessed it was a boy. I loved my baby and I would often talk to him on the way to work while riding my bike. I was afraid of my dad because he would always beat me when he got mad or when I tried to have my own opinion. Out of fear, we chose abortion but couldn’t afford it so we had to wait for our tax returns.
One day he beat me so badly that I finally left for good. I was heartbroken, lost, confused, and afraid – and I still chose abortion. By the time I got my tax returns I was 14 weeks pregnant. That’s when my baby left this world. I had to drive to Illinois to have a later term abortion. When I arrived, they gave me an ultrasound and wouldn’t show me the picture. I actually wanted to see — maybe I would have changed my mind.
Next, they gave me a pill and told me to wait in the waiting room. I sat there holding my stomach. I was hoping I would feel a kick, and at one point I imagined I did. By the time I got in the Operating room I was freezing and my legs wouldn’t stop shaking because I was shivering so much. The doctor told me to put my feet in the stirrups, but when my legs wouldn’t stop shaking, the doctor got mad at me. She rudely told me to stop shaking. At the same time, the nurses were pumping a medicine into my arm and I quickly fell unconscious.
When I woke up I was sitting in a lobby and I was very heavily medicated. Once I felt somewhat normal I got up and walked out without my child, and I was fine. I didn’t think about what I had just done — I couldn’t think about it.
Two weeks went by and that’s when I started feeling the loss. I cried a lot, often to music I would have never listened to before. I just made the worst mistake of my life. I ended my baby’s life. My own child. My life felt like a living hell at that point. My heart was hurting so bad that I wished I would have died there with my child. I couldn’t go to work without drinking first.
Still to this day I cry and deeply mourn the loss of my child. Nothing has hurt me more than knowing that I killed my baby. I was supposed to be there to protect him. I wanted him in my life so much but I was a coward and took the easy way out. I can’t stand myself for the decision I made.
That is why I wrote this article. If you are pregnant because of rape or incest and you are lost, then please take this story to heart. You never know what you will miss, or how you will feel afterwards. If you are worried about birth defects, I just want to let you know that is not guaranteed that your baby will have problems. I am not condoning incest, but I have heard stories of women who had babies from incest with a father or relative and the children were perfectly fine. I am simply trying to save mothers and their babies.
Listen here, Momma: you are strong and beautiful! I know it feels like the world is against you, but there is help. People are more understanding than you realize.
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