In a live interview, pro-abortion activist Amanda Palmer spoke about how her partners struggled with “a lack of power and agency” while she was deciding whether to abort their children:
Neil and I had not been together very long when I got my first abortion… [I]t’s a relationship stresser in a way that isn’t a part of the average everyday conversation about abortion… Having watched my partners … go through the experience of having an abortion with me, their difficulty at times almost felt harder than mine because of their lack of power and lack of agency. And I talk about the story with Neil, about my ambivalence about a pregnancy.
And, I mean I was going through my own circle of hell, but he was going through a parallel circle. He says that that time was one of the hardest in his life. He was just getting dragged around by my indecision. And then needed to play the supporting role when I was like, okay, I’ve decided, I’ve decided, this was my choice. You need to support me. I’m gonna go get an abortion. He needed a lot of support too.
It’s an unusual admission for a pro-abortion activist.
While Palmer was going through the decision-making process, Neil was helpless to influence whether his baby would live. Palmer struggled with her decision, but Neil did too — and he had no say in what would happen to his child. When Palmer did choose abortion, she demanded his agreement and support, giving his feelings no consideration.
Kevin Burke, who has counseled many post-abortion men, says:
Those who support abortion rights are fond of saying that “abortion is a private, personal decision between a woman and her health care provider.” It’s a catchy soundbite. But like much of abortion rights rhetoric, it’s totally disconnected from the real-life experiences of men and women who participate in an abortion decision and procedure.(1)
Men are affected by abortion as well. And legally, they have no say in their partner’s choice.
One man, who told his story in a pro-life book, did not want his girlfriend to abort their baby. When she said she was pregnant and intended to abort, he pleaded with her not to:
[She] said, “Don’t worry about it; I will take care of it. I’ll have an abortion.”…
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The pregnancy I was pretty sure we could deal with, but killing our child made no sense …
We discussed it several times over the next few weeks, but she was adamant that abortion was the solution to our problem. I knew we loved each other, and on that platform, I tried to offer alternative solutions. I suggested we get married, but she argued that pregnancy was not a good reason to marry.(2)
His pleas fell on deaf ears:
I could not come to terms with killing our baby… In the end, though, I had no say and she set the date. I tried everything I could think of to get her to see that ending this baby’s life was not the answer … it was a case of trying to stop someone I loved from making a bad decision and killing someone else I loved. She saw the situation differently, and our relationship ended.
When she went to have her abortion, he collapsed on the floor and stayed there for days, emotionally shattered:
I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t leave the apartment, but there I stayed for 72 hours. I was shattered – this little child, my child, was about to lose its life because of fear. How could love not prevail?(3)
He was devastated by the loss of his child:
Those were difficult times for me. Sometimes I felt sad, sometimes bewildered, other times I was in denial, or feeling guilty, and sometimes rage consumed me… I was gripped by a deep, heart-wrenching grief and sorrow that went past cognitive thought.(4)
He and his girlfriend got back together. She deeply regretted the abortion, and he describes holding her as she cried. She told him she wished she could go back and undo her choice. Both grieved for their lost baby. Their relationship soon fell apart as they tried to cope in different ways.
The man’s pain is usually disregarded in the pro-abortion narrative, but it is very real.
- Kevin Burke Tears of the Fisherman: Recovery for Men Wounded by Abortion (2017) 8
- Ruth Coghill, Sara Davison Untold. True Stories of Abortion and God’s Healing Grace (Winnipeg, MB: Word Alive Press, 2019) 68
- Ibid., 70
- Ibid., 71
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