What to say to your post-abortive friend

A friend once confided in me that she had had an abortion. She had two children and pregnancy hadn’t been easy on her. Her doctors told her that continuing her latest pregnancy was risking her life. I could tell she was in pain and I didn’t know what to say. No one had ever told me flat out about their abortion before. There is so much I should have said and done in that moment. But I didn’t. Here’s what you should do if your friend confides in you about her abortion.

Be Compassionate

Even if your friend is speaking with pride about her abortion it is likely she is hurting. She is looking for a shoulder to lean on, not someone to tell her that she’s failure or that God hates her or that you can’t believe she did such a thing. Hug her. Tell her you’re sorry. Ask her how she is feeling. Ask her how you can help.


Let her tell you her story. Hear her reasons. Let her speak without interruption. She chose to tell you because she trusts you. This isn’t the time to tell her how you feel about abortion. It’s time for you to listen without judgment.

Say It’s Okay

Don’t tell her she made the right decision, but do tell her that it will be okay. That God still loves her, that you still love her. Many women become suicidal after an abortion. If your friend is feeling this way, get her help immediately.

Find Support

Your friend is struggling and there’s only so much you can do to help her. Tell her about groups like Surrendering the Secret and Project Rachel. Let her know that there is hope and healing after an abortion and that she is not alone. There are women out there who know exactly what she’s going through and they would love to help her and support her without judgment.

Continue to Support Her

Let her know you will be there for her whenever she needs to talk or cry or scream. You will be there to help her put her life back together. To run errands or babysit her children. If your friend begins to isolate herself, don’t let her. Seek her out. Show her you love her.

It’s going to be a long journey for your friend. She needs to find healing, but she can’t do that alone. Don’t abandon her during this difficult time. Don’t send her away by making her feel worse than she already does. This is your opportunity to truly be there for someone in need and to show your pro-life spirit.

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