Are you sick and tired of looking at stupid baby faces? Does the thought of people loving someone more than themselves make you sick to your stomach? Is the very suggestion of selfless responsibility inherent in the image of an adorable, smiling baby utterly repugnant to you?
If you answered “Yes!” to any of the above questions*, have I got the app for you!
Unbaby.me is a Chrome extension (I have no idea what that means) that removes those pesky baby photos from your Facebook news feed. According to their website, all you have to do is click a button and refresh Facebook, and voilà! “Now you don’t have to look at all your friends’ annoying kids!”
I didn’t install the app myself because I know me, and I would not be able to uninstall it. But the website explains that through computer magic, Unbaby detects baby photos and replaces them with a more palatable replacement of your choosing, such as “cats or pugs.” On the Unbaby home page, this concept is illustrated by a grid of adorable baby photographs which turn into other, more awesome stuff when you mouse over them, such as half-naked chicks with back tattoos (don’t worry: it’s in black and white, so it’s artistic), cars, puppies, bacon, and sea otters. (I think that is a sea otter. If it’s not, I’m sure a helpful reader will call me a moron in the comments.)
I don’t know about you, but I find it hard not to gag when I’m scrolling through Facebook looking at important stuff like “Game of Thrones” memes, pictures of people’s sushi, and duck-face selfies, when all of a sudden I am interrupted by a photo of somebody’s dumb baby. I mean, like, who cares about your baby? What did it do today, crap and scream? Oh, wonder of wonders! Everyone totally cares.
It’s like, don’t these people even know that there’s a world outside their own stupid kid? Like they’re the first person who ever experienced a unique and irreplaceable human life grow inside them and then be born into the world and begin to discover it. Uh, whoooo cares? It’s not like a quadrabrazilian things had to happen in the history of time and space for this one particular human to be born. It’s not like it’s interesting that a brand-new, exquisite child is learning to explore the universe and love other people. I am TRYING to look at suggestions of Pages I should Like! (Ooh, I like bacon! I’ll Like Bacon.)
This is also cool: the same people who can block babies can block whatever else you don’t want to see! Photos of food, beaches, weddings, Jesus – you name it, they can replace it with whatever you’d rather look at: cats, basketball players, more bacon…
If you wanna be like all the other repressed conformists and just breed like an animal; just procreate because it’s, like, I don’t know, expected of you; or because you have some innate human urge to bring forth life and experience the indescribable spiritual blessing of parenthood, I guess I just totally feel sorry for you. I’m gonna actually DO SOMETHING with my life. I have ACTUAL DREAMS, okay? I’m gonna be the best professional skateboarder/Etsy crafter/freelance graphic designer this world has ever seen.
And while I’m out here living the dream, excuuuuse me if I don’t want to look at the sticky, smelly baby that’s holding you back with all those grody needs that aren’t yours. Ewww.
Facebook is so much better once you don’t have to see evidence of anyone else’s most profound love, joy, and hope.
*In all seriousness, there is something wrong with you. Talk to someone.