(Save the 1) My mind was made up. I was going to have an abortion.
I had just learned not only was I pregnant, but I had been raped. I had spent the last few hours with nurses and counselors. I was given a positive pregnancy result and had a vaginal ultrasound performed where I saw my baby’s heartbeat. Still, I was in disbelief. There was no way I could wrap my head around the fact I had been raped, let alone was pregnant. I knew for a fact, I wasn’t going to keep this baby inside of me.
The counselor and nurse on hand at the pregnancy resource center gave me loads of pamphlets and information about adoption, abortion, and parenting. They gave me a picture in a frame of my little peanut with a heartbeat. They told me they were here for me if I needed anything or had any further questions. They prayed with me. Still, I left there disgusted, enraged, and with tears streaming down my face. This couldn’t be real.
I spent the next couple of hours on the internet researching abortion at six weeks gestation. I knew abortion was wrong, but I just couldn’t fathom continuing on with this pregnancy. I was hoping the abortion would be as simple as a pill at the clinic followed by some bleeding, and I’d never have to think about it again. I learned, however, not only would I have to drive out of state to take this pill, they’d send me home and I’d have to take a second pill and abort the baby at home. I read, “It’s best to not look at the blood in the toilet once you begin bleeding heavily.” Could I really force myself to take this pill and allow my body to rid myself of a baby and then simply flush it down the toilet?
Couldn’t there be another way? Couldn’t someone just knock me out and remove this baby and tell me this was all a bad dream? I was sick to my stomach and agonized over this new reality and the harsh facts of abortion.
I had to pull myself together and rush to my son’s basketball game. I sat there surrounded by my four children while my other son played in his game. I tried to hold back tears and distract myself from all of the thoughts consuming my mind. “How can I choose to love these five children and not the one inside of my womb?”
I felt sick and disappointed with myself. Still, my mind was made up. Just then, my son scored the winning game point. For a brief moment, I asked myself, “What wonderful things is the baby inside of me capable of?”
I dismissed that thought and left the school gym with my kids in tow. My sister called me out of the blue as I was pulling out of the parking lot. I just began to sob. I told her to meet me at home. She did. I could barely compose myself enough to tell her the unbelievable news I had just received. I told her I had decided to make an appointment ASAP to schedule an abortion. She said she supported me.
We decided to go to my mother’s house and tell her what was going on. I was nervous the entire drive there. I knew this was going to kill her. How can I explain this to my mom?
First, the devastating news: “Mom, I was raped.” Then, “And I’m pregnant…..BUT…I’m going to have an abortion.” She had no words for a very long time. She just silently cried. I just kept repeating, “I can’t have this baby. I can’t have this baby.”
Finally, she spoke. “Aimee, let’s pray. God’s plan is bigger than ours. He loves us and forgives us. I love all of my grandchildren, even the tiny one growing inside of you. If his plan is for this . . . (sobs) . . . little precious baby to go straight to heaven . . .” She couldn’t continue.
Seeing my mother’s face react to all of the news I just dropped on her, and listening to her speak these words, shattered me in a way I cannot explain, and I still haven’t fully recovered from this.
“Let’s just pray. God will give you peace. He will direct your path. He will give you peace with the decision you end up making. But for now, let’s just pray for guidance and peace. ” She continued with a short prayer. I hugged her and left.
The ride home was pretty quiet. I told my sister I didn’t feel any sense of peace and although the thought of abortion devastated me and made me sick, my mind was still made up. I had planned on calling a clinic the next day.
Once I was home, I composed myself enough to put all my children to bed. I said their bedtime prayers and kissed them all goodnight before quietly crying myself to sleep.
I woke up the next morning, still not feeling any sense of peace. I still felt disgusted. My mind was still made up about an abortion, although I couldn’t come to terms with it. A few minutes after awakening, my bubbly friend walked through my front door. She said something along the lines of, “Good morning. Is there coffee? Are you ready to go yet?” I forgot we had plans. She was going to help me with a couple of cleaning jobs that day.
She walked into my bedroom to find me uncontrollably sobbing. I couldn’t speak. “Aimee, What is wrong?!? What happened? What is going on?” She just kept asking.
Through hard sobs, I tried to explain: “Misti, I was raped and I’m pregnant.” She just began to cry and hug me. She didn’t speak. I continued, “I’m not keeping this baby.” I sobbed some more. She still didn’t speak. She just sat there quietly and rubbed my back while I cried for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she spoke — relief! “Aimee, I know you. I know what your children mean to you. Your whole life is those kids. This one won’t be any different. I know your mind is made up. I know my opinion doesn’t matter at this point, but as your friend and knowing you the way I do, I have to say, if you go through with this abortion, you will never be the same.” She began to cry as she rubbed my back harder and stronger. I just laid there sobbing with my head in my pillow. I cried, “Misti, I know that, but I just can’t!” She replied, “Aimee, you’ll never be the same. A huge piece of you will die along with your baby, and the thought of that breaks my heart.”
I couldn’t reply. Instead, for the first time since receiving the news, I thought, maybe I wouldn’t have an abortion. I thought, maybe I just needed someone to tell me it is okay to have and love this baby. We sat together quietly for quite some time. I just absorbed and digested her words and her love. I said, “Misti, you’re right.”
Suddenly, I knew. I knew that the right decision and the peace that came along with it that my mother and I had prayed for the night before had just come.
I prayed for peace for the decision I was going to make. God sent me my dear friend to help me make the right decision and receive peace with the decision I made. I felt like I could breathe again. I still was in shock and disbelief, but finally I was beginning to let things resonate. I was at peace with the fact that I was going to have another baby. I was far from okay, but my I knew in my heart I was going to have a baby and love him or her.
A couple hours later, I made the call. It wasn’t the call I had planned on making to the abortion clinic to schedule an appointment; it was the call to my beloved OB/Gyn to tell him, “We’re going to have a baby!”
Editor’s note: This article originally appeared at Save the 1, and is reprinted here with permission.
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