Although 20-year-old Elle Stahlhut Roetzel was new to the Seattle area, she had been dating a man for a few months when she received a call from her doctor’s office with the news that her blood test was positive for pregnancy. For Roetzel, who was raised in a Christian household, engaging in sexual relations outside of marriage was shameful enough, but an unplanned pregnancy would make visible what she had been doing in secret.
Roetzel told Live Action News, “I never knew anyone who had an abortion, but my immediate gut response was that I had to take care of this before anyone found out. It would be such an embarrassment to my family. I was afraid of being known as that messed-up kid. I knew my boyfriend would not marry me.”
She was told her gynecologist could commit the abortion; to Roetzel, that made the procedure “normal” — almost routine rather than going to some anonymous clinic. Once she was in the exam room, no ultrasound was performed nor did her doctor discuss the procedure or how far along she was in her term.
“I was totally ignorant of what was to happen,” Roetzel said. “I estimated I was about two months pregnant but didn’t know much about a baby’s development at that stage. It wasn’t until my doctor told me that yes, she saw my baby growing inside of me, that my eyes were suddenly opened.”
The physical pain she was experiencing paled in comparison to the spiritual pain of feeling her baby sucked out of her womb.
Roetzel said, “It was too late to go back. A guttural cry arose from the depths of my soul, and I was told to be quiet, that others may hear me. I don’t remember how long I laid there but I eventually got up, got dressed, and went home.”
In her bedroom, Roetzel curled up into a fetal position and cried tears of anguish. The next day, she got up and went to work, stuffing her pain down deep as she tried to get on with everyday life, but something had changed profoundly, and life could never be the same as before.
“When I wasn’t crying, I was drinking heavily, often until I blacked out,” Roetzel said. “My soul had been destroyed, but I learned to keep my grief hidden. I became highly functional at denying my feelings. It was the only way I could survive.”
Redemption through Christ
While Roetzel and her boyfriend did marry and later had a child, the marriage only lasted three years. She decided to relocate to Iowa where she began attending church and re-committed her life to Christ. There, she met a Christian man whom she eventually married, and became involved in youth ministry.
Roetzel said, “We had a child together, but moved around quite a bit. When I became pregnant a fourth time, I miscarried. I thought I had dealt with the loss well until we went to Disneyland, and it seemed every woman I saw there was noticeably pregnant.”
Now, questions about why she had miscarried bubbled to the surface spurring Roetzel to feel angry with God for allowing the loss of her baby. Her husband was out of town one day when Roetzel heard a voice telling her she suffered the miscarriage as a punishment for aborting her baby years earlier.
“It was condemnation from the enemy,” Roetzel said. “At that moment, I physically fell to the ground and moaned in agony. From that point, I became depressed. Nobody knew my secret. They saw me but didn’t really know what was buried inside; I couldn’t even say the word ‘abortion’.”
As she struggled in the grip of despair, friends assumed she was working through the recent miscarriage. Rather than seek healing, Roetzel put on a “stiff upper lip” and continued as best as she could.
Roetzel said, “We eventually got transferred again and I got pregnant with twins. What a joy it was to learn I was carrying two babies.”
But this pregnancy, too, ended in miscarriage, leaving Roetzel devastated, pushing her further down a dark, cavernous hole from which there was no escape.
“It was so traumatic for me,” Roetzel said. “I was spiraling downward, spending my days in the closet, crying out to the Lord. I still couldn’t say the dreaded word and still couldn’t let go of the secret I kept concealed.”
As she spent hours in communion with the Lord, He whispered to her that the time for healing had come; she now needed to walk through the process. Yet she wasn’t sure how to do that.
Roetzel said, “I went into the basement of our new home, which was still unfinished, a place that was murky and cold. There, I relived the dirtiest, ugliest day of my life all over again and prayed for forgiveness and for healing.”
Healing prompts a desire to help other women find redemption
Three years later, Roetzel told her husband about the abortion, and as if in an instant, the shame was lifted. As she continued to share her testimony, she was rewarded with a deeper reconciliation.
“I received such amazing grace,” Roetzel said. “As I tell my story, my heart doesn’t hurt anymore. Women need to speak out, to have their voices heard, and to break the stronghold of grief, shame, and sorrow that abortion has over them. So many are silent or use their denial to promote pro-choice, to justify what they have done. These women need healing from the trauma of abortion.”
Collaborating with another woman, Roetzel launched a six-week online abortion recovery program that allows women to navigate through the healing journey in the privacy of their homes. Additionally, she’s the author of “Bridal Redemption: Heal Your Past and Live Victoriously Through the Intimacy of Christ’s Love.”
Roetzel said, “Our voices must drown out those who perpetuate lies about how abortion empowers women by shouting out the truth about abortion. Unless we rise and speak courageously, our nation will be bound by the sin of abortion.”
