‘A God that does not waste anything’: Toni’s story of post-abortion healing

I was a senior in high school. I remember sitting in a waiting room, scared and lost. My boyfriend and best friend were with me—two of the closest people in my life, yet I felt completely alone. I was about 4 weeks pregnant and just wanted it to be over. As I lay on the table for my ultrasound, I asked the nurse if I could see the monitor. She resisted, but I insisted.  The nurse said, “See, it is just the size of a pea. It’s nothing.” In my scared and confused teenage mind, that made me feel better. It’s not a baby yet, it’s nothing.

I saw the doctor—the worst experience of my life. He was cold and direct. I was given medication to “stop the fetus from growing,” and more pills to take in the next 24-48 hours. I remember walking out of that clinic with more weight than when I walked in. I kept thinking to myself, “What did I just do?” I lay in the back seat of my friend’s car, silently crying as she and my boyfriend carried on a conversation as if nothing had happened.

But the pills given to me never worked. Two months later I was in class at school, and I started getting the most excruciating pain — to the point that I could barely walk. I got home, and blood clots the size of my fist — along with my baby — left my body. I remember crawling in bed and lying in the fetal position praying it would be over soon.

While I was going through all of this, my boyfriend decided he was no longer going to talk to me. He was in college then and never returned my calls or checked in to see if I was okay. Not only was I dealing with a broken heart but also the grief of aborting my unborn baby.

For a few years my life spiraled out of control — more meaningless relationships, drinking, and acting out. But God…

In college at West Chester University, a friend invited me to a meeting called Campus Crusade for Christ. When I saw those students praising God (without their parents making them), it hit my soul. That night I went back to my empty dorm room and cried out to God to change me. I believe God saved my soul that night.

READ: We must treat post-abortive women with compassion

I have learned that we serve a God that does not waste anything. Not only that, but he will often use the dark and shameful places of our hearts to bring about life. Shortly after becoming a born again Christian, I started working at a pregnancy resource center. I spoke in schools about saving sex for marriage. Even after being a Christian for a year, I didn’t tell anyone about my abortion story. I thought that abortion was the one thing Christians would not forgive. As I shared my story with one of my best friends for the first time, I didn’t get judged or shamed by her. I remember her saying, “Do you know how many girls need to hear your story?” I felt in my heart this was my purpose.

I went through post-abortion counseling which was difficult, but healing. It was through that 12-week Bible study that God gave me a dream about my unborn baby. I will forever cherish that dream and its reminder of my forgiveness in Christ!

At 22 I became a Relationship Educator and shared my story about my abortion and how I was now waiting until marriage before I ever had sex again. It spoke volumes to those kids.

I remember being 28 with a deep desire to be married. Little did I know, for two years, someone had been looking for me. Like me, God had grabbed ahold of his heart and changed him. He asked me if we could meet and talk. The same man who sat across from me in a restaurant asking me for my forgiveness is the same boy who sat across from me in that waiting room in that abortion clinic 10 years earlier, and is the same man who put a ring on my finger and asked me to marry him! He has an amazing testimony as well. We have been married for almost 10 years and have four beautiful children! Talk about redemption! After eight years, I felt the Lord calling me to start speaking again.

My ministry is called Relationships Matter and I love speaking to youth groups, adult singles, mom’s groups, and pro-life groups. I speak about the value of relationships and expose the lies of abortion — but also the hope and redemption of the story that God has given to my husband and me.

You can reach Toni at her Relationships Matter website or through Instagram at tonimcfadden12.

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