He ran around with an unsavory crowd and dabbled in drugs, but to 18-year-old Ashley Steinhauer, he was forbidden fruit. She started dating her “bad boy” boyfriend while in high school and at the beginning of her college years, discovered she was pregnant. She immediately decided to have an abortion before her mother knew.
Steinhauer told Live Action News, “I told my boyfriend that I had my mind made up, I was getting an abortion. He really didn’t have a say in my decision. I knew if my mother found out, she’d be beyond angry, and I wasn’t going down that road.”
In her heart, Steinhauer understood that at the core of her decision was selfishness; she didn’t want her life to be encumbered with a baby and struggle as a single mother.
A friend’s father gave Steinhauer cash to get the abortion and her friend drove her to a large hospital in New Orleans where the OB/GYN unit performed abortions on a designated day of the week. While having the procedure there was costlier than at Planned Parenthood, Steinhauer felt she’d be safer at the hospital.
“I was prescribed Valium to take prior to the procedure so I was in a drug-induced haze when I got there,” Steinhauer said. “I remember the atmosphere feeling heavy and the room was silent and cold, the nurse matter-of-fact.”
As she lay on the table, an anonymous abortionist instructed Steinhauer to look at the ultrasound screen where she could see her eight-week-old fetus moving inside her womb and the flicker of a heartbeat. Then, the suction was turned on and her baby was gone forever.
Steinhauer said, “Afterward, I felt both disgust and relief wash over me all at once.”
Emotional detachment becomes a way to deal with pain after abortion
After the abortion, Steinhauer felt she had become more callous and defensive. In part, some of that demeanor resulted from her turbulent childhood years, but carrying secret shame was especially burdensome.
“I had a lot of guilt and became very guarded and even aggressive,” Steinhauer said. “It’s as if I dared someone to mess with me because I’d set them straight. I refused to let anyone in so I wouldn’t get hurt.”
But years later, Steinhauer let her guard down enough to get involved with a loving man whom she eventually married. She was adamant he know about her abortion because she didn’t want to start her marriage with a secret. Yet not many people knew.
Finding her voice to speak out against abortion
One evening, Steinhauer went with the women from her Bible study to hear a special speaker, Christian author Lysa TerKeurst. As TerKeurst disclosed her own struggles with her upbringing and revealed her abortion, Steinhauer was aghast.
Steinhauer said, “I felt as if someone had punched me in the stomach. I had avoided that dreaded word for years. When I heard Lysa say the word ‘abortion,’ something inside me broke loose for the first time and I suddenly had a vision of me standing on a stage sharing my own testimony.”
At a retreat soon after, Steinhauer opened up about her abortion for the first time. She connected with a woman who managed a local pregnancy support center and who encouraged Steinhauer to enroll in a Forgiven and Set Free abortion recovery program.
“I hadn’t yet spoken to many people about my abortion,” Steinhauer said. “But I was asked to share my testimony at a March for Life event in D.C. in front of the U.S. Supreme Court.”
Together with forty women from Operation Outcry and Silent No More, Steinhauer spoke publicly about her abortion and the heartache that ensued.
While Steinhauer said she’s not a fan of social media, she was compelled to share her testimony on her personal Facebook page. She was astounded that her story was shared more than 9,000 times.
Steinhauer said, “Of course, there were nasty remarks, but if my story could make a difference to one person, it was worth it. You can learn from pain and use your experience to help others. I felt led by the Holy Spirit to speak out.”
She returned to Washington D.C. to participate in an event around a Louisiana court case on abortion. There, she saw a wide range of diverse groups like “Lesbians for Life,” proudly standing in concert with others to defend life.
“I always wondered why people have to put themselves into a box,” Steinhauer said. “Regardless of your political leanings, race, or religion, we can all see the horrors inflicted by abortion and stand together as one united front against one of the most significant human rights violations of our time.”
Steinhauer eventually told her mother about the abortion and why she chose to end the pregnancy. Her mother denied she would have pressured Steinhauer to have an abortion, but Steinhauer wasn’t convinced the events would have turned out differently.
Abortion is still a subject to be avoided, noted Steinhauer. She wishes more women would come forward to open their hearts and share their stories.
Steinhauer said, “So many women are suffering in silence. I wish the churches, too, were more willing to embrace the topic of abortion and be better at reaching out to women who need the love and compassion of Christ. I hope others will finally break the silence that has lingered for far too long.”
