Alcoholism and drug abuse ran in her family, so it was no surprise that Shilo Roy, who was born with fetal alcohol syndrome, also struggled with alcohol. When she found out she was pregnant six weeks after a one-night stand, the divorced mother of two young children was devastated.
Roy told Live Action News, “This man was just an acquaintance so there wasn’t any real relationship with him. We used protection but now I was faced with an unexpected pregnancy. I wasn’t prepared to bring a baby into the world.”
She had no support system; her dad was a heroin addict in prison, and she had a tenuous relationship with her mother. Her ex-husband had avoided providing any financial support, and Roy was forced to work as a waitress to provide for her two children.
“There really was no other job that would enable me to take my children to and from school… ” Roy said. “At the time, I was trying to change my life but kept being pulled back into sin. I had a relationship with God, but not a committed one.”
While she knew abortion was wrong, she couldn’t bear to place her baby for adoption, having to explain to her children she would allow someone else to raise their sibling. The decision to have the abortion tore her apart, but she saw no other option.
Roy said, “I cried out to God for forgiveness for what I was about to do. I felt remorse and swore I’d never do it again.”
After the abortion, Roy struggled with self-condemnation and depression.
“I was continually beating myself up,” Roy said. “I had been dealing with depression for some time, but now it was much worse. As a result, I started drinking more often. My children didn’t know what I had done.”
Adrift in a sea of shame and guilt, Roy was alone, her secret hidden deep inside where it festered daily. “There was nobody to come alongside me,” she said. “My mother was not emotionally present and everyone in my family was living the same destructive lifestyle as I was.”
Second abortion propels woman into a dark place of depression and suicidal thoughts
Roy started attending church again but was living with a new boyfriend. Her renewed conviction spurred her to break up with her live-in lover, though she still battled drugs and alcohol.
“I was going through a really challenging time of transition, when I messed up again,” Roy said.
She had invited a friend over for dinner whom she had met 10 years prior, hoping for some companionship. What was meant to be a casual dinner turned into an overnight visit.
“We hadn’t been drinking or doing drugs that night so it’s not as if our senses were impaired,” Roy said. “As he was leaving, he grabbed me and kissed me. It was so sudden that I was caught off guard and my emotions were in a whirl. But I didn’t resist.”
Within a few months, Roy discovered she was pregnant. She fell into a deep, dark place and contemplated ending her life.
Roy said, “At the time, I had decided to go to Teen Challenge, but you couldn’t be pregnant. I knew if I didn’t get help soon, I was going to die. I was already half in the grave, but my arms kept reaching toward Jesus.”
Yet Roy made another trip to Planned Parenthood and requested that this time, she be put to sleep. Instead, she was provided with a pill that would snuff out the life of her baby.
“That day, my mother came over to help with my children,” Roy said. “After swallowing the pill, a cop knocked on my door and handed me eviction papers. I had to vacate the premises immediately.”
Frantically packing her belongings, Roy was suffering from the first part of a chemical abortion.
Roy said, “As I drove to my mother’s house, I felt like driving into the freeway divider. I just wanted to die.”
As she arrived at her mother’s home, she felt something rush out of her.
“I reclined my seat and out of my underwear came a tiny baby with hands, feet and eyes,” Roy said. “That moment was seared into my soul.”
After her ordeal, she asked her ex-husband to take the children so she could get the help she needed. She stayed for a while at her pastor’s house and with other church members but was eventually told they couldn’t help her.
Roy said, “I ended living in my car for a time and couldn’t hold down a job. It was more trauma than I could bear…I had two abortions, so I understand the desperation women contend with. It took me a long time to heal.”
An informal memorial service heals deep-seated wounds from abortion
While in a Bible study, Roy felt compelled by the Lord to tell a woman in her class of her ordeal.
Roy said, “She referred me to another woman who also had an abortion. She asked me if I ever had a memorial for my two lost babies.”
Now married to a caring man, Roy called her husband and asked for his help. The couple went to Home Depot to purchase plants. At the park, Roy’s husband and son found the right spot near a pond. Hand-fashioned crosses made from sticks were put into the ground next to the foliage.
“We gave my babies names and had a little service to commemorate their brief lives,” Roy said. “I knew they were with Jesus.”
For Roy, the informal ceremony broke the chains of shame and opened the door for her to reveal the truth about the devastation of abortion. “It took a long time for me to reconcile what I had done,” she explained. “Our actions have consequences. I am no longer hesitant to speak out.”
It’s important, she emphasizes, that women facing unplanned pregnancies find the right resources that can guide them to making life-affirming decisions.
“I can now see God’s hand on my life and am grateful for my husband’s love and compassion throughout this challenging journey,” Roy said.
